While I'm totally thankful for those important numbers being normal I'm basically broken over the fact that the FSH and LH levels suck hardcore especially since the only thing the little critter is screwing with is the thing I want to work the most.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Update from the Land of Endo
Today we had a snow day and D and I trudged our way to New Haven through the ice and the snow for my 6 month follow up with the Endo today and got good news and bad news. My Cortisol level was 20 Thyroid T3 level was 1.5 the TSH leve was 3 but the FSH and LH levels are nonexistent. So basically the only thing my pit tumor is screwing with is the ovarian function.
While I'm totally thankful for those important numbers being normal I'm basically broken over the fact that the FSH and LH levels suck hardcore especially since the only thing the little critter is screwing with is the thing I want to work the most.
While I'm totally thankful for those important numbers being normal I'm basically broken over the fact that the FSH and LH levels suck hardcore especially since the only thing the little critter is screwing with is the thing I want to work the most.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
The Difference Between Strength and Courage
The Difference Between Strength and Courage
I found this poem online and sometimes I really need to remind myself that I have the strength and courage to get through this instead of just the tears that flow, I need to be able to stand up and say I'm going to make it through this and come out on the other side a Mom.
It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.
It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.
It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt.
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pains,
It takes courage to show them.
It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another.
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.
-Author Unknown
I found this poem online and sometimes I really need to remind myself that I have the strength and courage to get through this instead of just the tears that flow, I need to be able to stand up and say I'm going to make it through this and come out on the other side a Mom.
It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.
It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.
It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt.
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pains,
It takes courage to show them.
It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another.
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.
-Author Unknown
Sunday, November 3, 2013
This gives me hope
Even though I struggled with the thought that when we use donor eggs that the child will not be biologically mine, the baby will grow with me for 9 months and I will give birth to him or her. But after reading this article, I know I will be the biological mother and it doesn't matter that they won't have my eyes or my ears, they will be part of me.
“Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them.
So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body.
That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.”
“Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them.
So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body.
That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.”
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Finally some news.
D and I were talking about the future and how we're going to grow our family (which isn't an odd conversation it's the top of most of our conversations) I'm still not really excited about not being able to give birth to a child or at least have the chance to try.
It actually is one of the hardest things for us because we never really had a chance to "try" and before we move on to adoption we want that chance.
But between finances and outstanding medical bills trying to find a way to find another $15/20k for IVF is out of the question and if we need to use donor eggs we're talking $20/30k.
A while back I was searching trying to figure out a way to try it and thanks to google I was searching and found IVF traditional and with donor eggs done in the Czech Republic pretty inexpensively.
We talked it out and we're going to try give this a try with donor eggs, since we're literally putting all of our eggs in one basket we want to give us the best chance of actually conceiving. It's still going to be a lot of money to save so we talked about some kind fundraiser and maybe a few tag sales to declutter and raise some cash. I've also opened a store for knitting to try to raise some cash.
Shophandmade - Ewenique Knit Designs.
The thing that really brought this on is we talked to the State and the local DCF office is backed up and one of the social workers called to tell me that. She asked me a few questions and we talked for about 20 minutes. It was actually pretty informative but we're still kind of stuck with the fact that we didn't get that chance and while we're still working on the process we want to find a way to give birth to a child.
I know I may sound a little crazy, but IF does that, especially when you can't have the only thing in the world that you want.
It actually is one of the hardest things for us because we never really had a chance to "try" and before we move on to adoption we want that chance.
But between finances and outstanding medical bills trying to find a way to find another $15/20k for IVF is out of the question and if we need to use donor eggs we're talking $20/30k.
A while back I was searching trying to figure out a way to try it and thanks to google I was searching and found IVF traditional and with donor eggs done in the Czech Republic pretty inexpensively.
We talked it out and we're going to try give this a try with donor eggs, since we're literally putting all of our eggs in one basket we want to give us the best chance of actually conceiving. It's still going to be a lot of money to save so we talked about some kind fundraiser and maybe a few tag sales to declutter and raise some cash. I've also opened a store for knitting to try to raise some cash.
Shophandmade - Ewenique Knit Designs.
The thing that really brought this on is we talked to the State and the local DCF office is backed up and one of the social workers called to tell me that. She asked me a few questions and we talked for about 20 minutes. It was actually pretty informative but we're still kind of stuck with the fact that we didn't get that chance and while we're still working on the process we want to find a way to give birth to a child.
I know I may sound a little crazy, but IF does that, especially when you can't have the only thing in the world that you want.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
#ThrowBackThursday #TBT
Today was a perfect day for #TBT since this Thrusday means so much to me.
So we flashback to five years ago, it was a wonderful day we went to the beach we went out to our favorite seafood shack on the beach and my dearest darling husband asked me that special question that changed our lives forever. Well he handed me a box and said wanna?? I guess that is the same thing right?
It doesn't really matter how it happened, but it did happen. We were full of so much hope for the future, we had so many dreams and talked about them over the next few days. What we wanted in the future how many kids, where we wanted to live, what we wanted to do. We decided we wanted a small family since we're both only children and we actually liked being only children we wanted that for our family.
Little did we know what we would encounter over the next five years, there are times I like to think back to the days when we were naive and didn't know any better, we figured we would have that honeymoon baby and that would be it. Now we are still wanting and waiting, but we've talked so many times about other family building options, so we are moving in the right direction at the moment. It's not the original path that we thought of way back when, but it is a start to our family of three.
So we flashback to five years ago, it was a wonderful day we went to the beach we went out to our favorite seafood shack on the beach and my dearest darling husband asked me that special question that changed our lives forever. Well he handed me a box and said wanna?? I guess that is the same thing right?
It doesn't really matter how it happened, but it did happen. We were full of so much hope for the future, we had so many dreams and talked about them over the next few days. What we wanted in the future how many kids, where we wanted to live, what we wanted to do. We decided we wanted a small family since we're both only children and we actually liked being only children we wanted that for our family.
Little did we know what we would encounter over the next five years, there are times I like to think back to the days when we were naive and didn't know any better, we figured we would have that honeymoon baby and that would be it. Now we are still wanting and waiting, but we've talked so many times about other family building options, so we are moving in the right direction at the moment. It's not the original path that we thought of way back when, but it is a start to our family of three.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Rough days
You never know what will set them off. You never know when they will strike but when they do watch out. Today's rough day was brought on by a pregnancy announcement and some solitary confinement so I'm alone with my own thoughts (never a good thing). This is D's first week working 3rd shift so he went to bed at 2pm so I'm by myself again alone with my thoughts.
So today I'm thinking about why and how our family hasn't grown, and what can be done about that. Since we know I can't have children the old fashion way and we have no insurance to pay for IVF that means adoption is our only option.
I've talked about adoption before and we do know this is the only option we have at growing our family, but lately I've been struggling with the decision. Since we don't have the money to adopt through a private agency we thought the Foster/Adopt process through the State would be the way to go. It is little to no cost out of pocket, we just have to pay for a few things.
But with this process the things that are the hardest for me are all the things you go through, the background checks, the social worker visits, the psychological evaluations, letters of reference and not to mention the millions of forms to be filled out and notarized in triplicate. Why do we have to go through all of this just go have a child? There are so many parents that are horrible people, abusive, drug addicts, all in all just bad people. Why don't they have to jump through hoops to have children? Why do they get to have a family? Why do we have to go through the struggle? Why don't we get to have a family the traditional way?
And the hardest thing for me right at the moment with the whole adoption process though the state is the children come from DCF from homes that the children have been taken from because either the parents are not fit to be parents or they've given up these children because they don't want them.
So why do we get a child that isn't wanted, a child that is basically being thrown away? Don't we deserve something other than a child that has been discarded? A child that is damaged and just neglected? I know these children need love too, but why can't we have what we wanted and not what someone else does not?
This is my biggest struggle and I know I have to find away to get over this because once we have a child we will love it unconditionally. Just right at the moment I'm having a hard time with this one.
I JUST WANT A FAMILY!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
So today I'm thinking about why and how our family hasn't grown, and what can be done about that. Since we know I can't have children the old fashion way and we have no insurance to pay for IVF that means adoption is our only option.
I've talked about adoption before and we do know this is the only option we have at growing our family, but lately I've been struggling with the decision. Since we don't have the money to adopt through a private agency we thought the Foster/Adopt process through the State would be the way to go. It is little to no cost out of pocket, we just have to pay for a few things.
But with this process the things that are the hardest for me are all the things you go through, the background checks, the social worker visits, the psychological evaluations, letters of reference and not to mention the millions of forms to be filled out and notarized in triplicate. Why do we have to go through all of this just go have a child? There are so many parents that are horrible people, abusive, drug addicts, all in all just bad people. Why don't they have to jump through hoops to have children? Why do they get to have a family? Why do we have to go through the struggle? Why don't we get to have a family the traditional way?
And the hardest thing for me right at the moment with the whole adoption process though the state is the children come from DCF from homes that the children have been taken from because either the parents are not fit to be parents or they've given up these children because they don't want them.
So why do we get a child that isn't wanted, a child that is basically being thrown away? Don't we deserve something other than a child that has been discarded? A child that is damaged and just neglected? I know these children need love too, but why can't we have what we wanted and not what someone else does not?
This is my biggest struggle and I know I have to find away to get over this because once we have a child we will love it unconditionally. Just right at the moment I'm having a hard time with this one.
I JUST WANT A FAMILY!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Bitter, Bitchy and Broken
I'm bitter and bitchy because all around me are women who are pregnant and getting pregnant everyday. They're able to achieve the one thing that I cannot seem to do because I am broken in more ways than one.
The thing that is the hardest for me is knowing once we start the adoption process there are so many things we have to do before we can even think about bringing home a child.
Maybe one day it won't.
The thing that is the hardest for me is knowing once we start the adoption process there are so many things we have to do before we can even think about bringing home a child.
- We start background checks to make sure we are good people.
- We go through a 10 week training program to teach us to be good parents
- We have to have a psychological profile done to make sure we're sane and in have a good relationship.
All things these things need to be done before we can even be considered for child. So how is possible people who are in horrible marriages and think a child will "fix" it are able to have children? People who are terrible parents and mistreat and neglect their children are able to have children? And finally people are so insecure about their own self and their own well being are able to have children?
This is what makes this whole process so difficult for me, we are a happily married loving couple who would do anything to become a family, so why, why do we have to go through this? Oh yeah because I'm broken, because the little critter in my head does on allow my ovaries to work, because we don't have the money to pay for IVF and we have no infertility coverage.
These are the reasons we are a family of two and trying to become a family of three. These are the reasons that I cannot give my husband he longs for. These are the reasons that keep me awake a night, and in tears more times that I would like to admit. I know I won't always feel this way, but right now it's what controls my thoughts and is the constant in my life.
Maybe one day it won't.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Holiday woes
The holidays are always hard when you're dealing with IF, but I never thought the 4th of July would be one of those holidays. The 4th of July is the day to celebrate the birth of America and our own Independence.
But it's also a day that people spend with families and babies and having fun at cookouts and parties. We had our own little cookout a cookout for two, which really isn't the same. We went grocery shopping today, we had a nice day but there is still something that is missing, the other part of our family is missing. Hearing stories of family get together's and seeing pictures are harder than they should be.
When are we going to have our family picnic? When is our family party?
But it's also a day that people spend with families and babies and having fun at cookouts and parties. We had our own little cookout a cookout for two, which really isn't the same. We went grocery shopping today, we had a nice day but there is still something that is missing, the other part of our family is missing. Hearing stories of family get together's and seeing pictures are harder than they should be.
When are we going to have our family picnic? When is our family party?
Monday, June 3, 2013
Infertile Girl Problems
Why are some days are than others?
Why do certain comments hurt more than others?
Why is it on some days complaints about pregnancy and kids and parenting hurt more than others?
Why? Because IF SUCKS!
It sucks the life out of you. When you think you can beat it or you think you can over come it some comes up and knocks you right back down. I can't say this is ever going to change, I can't say I will ever overcome this obstacle. I can't ever say I will become a mother or I will life my life child free. I think this is the hardest thing about IF, the uncertainty that it brings to life. All I know is I'm going to try my hardest to deal with what is in front of me and face head on.
Why do certain comments hurt more than others?
Why is it on some days complaints about pregnancy and kids and parenting hurt more than others?
Why? Because IF SUCKS!
It sucks the life out of you. When you think you can beat it or you think you can over come it some comes up and knocks you right back down. I can't say this is ever going to change, I can't say I will ever overcome this obstacle. I can't ever say I will become a mother or I will life my life child free. I think this is the hardest thing about IF, the uncertainty that it brings to life. All I know is I'm going to try my hardest to deal with what is in front of me and face head on.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Worth the wait!
Extra tests, horrible exam, double stuck but it was all worth it.
Got the news from the Neurosurgeon and the tumor is STABLE!! Not bigger, not growing, not moving, but stable. This is such wonderful, fabulous, awesome news. It means that it could be at least a year maybe longer or maybe never they'll do surgery again. Now I go back in November to see what happens a year after surgery. Let's hope and pray it stays stable.
Got the news from the Neurosurgeon and the tumor is STABLE!! Not bigger, not growing, not moving, but stable. This is such wonderful, fabulous, awesome news. It means that it could be at least a year maybe longer or maybe never they'll do surgery again. Now I go back in November to see what happens a year after surgery. Let's hope and pray it stays stable.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Another step forward and another step back.
Got a call from the neurosurgeon’s office this morning and apparently when they took the MRI earlier in the month the server went down and they lost all of the images that were on that machine. So now I get to go back tomorrow for yet another MRI.
I’m so pissed off right now, I hate that fluckin test it sucks more than anything has ever sucked before. Seriously how do you lose MRIs, I’m sorry the server went down but now I have to screw around to get another one taken. And believe you me this time I’m leaving with a DVD.
This afternoon was my 6 month follow up with the Endocrinologist, I didn't really know what to expect but I knew I was going to get grilled and I did. I got to the office which was in the hospital and they took my vitals and brought me to a room. First the nurse came in and he had the chart up and made sure all the info the doctor had was correct. Next one of the fellows in the practice came in to ask me just about any and every question under the sun. She examined me, listened to my heart, back and belly. Felt my thyroid and everything looked good.
Finally after about an hour I got to me "my" doctor and I really liked him. It was nice, and he explained a lot and went over a bunch of things. He did give me the news we already knew, I have a non-functioning pituitary gland. They looked at the last scan (back in February) and wanted to check out this one...but oh wait Yale lost it.
The little bit of good news if I do get pregnant I do have enough of the PIT left to sustain me though pregnancy. They will follow me closely and watch all my levels but they think it'll be ok. The endo also told me that if the tumor does grow they will wait until after we have decided to stop pursuing pregnancy all together or until we have all the children that we want. Before they do another surgery or radiation treatment. He thinks I'm a perfect candidate for radiation surgery because of the location of the tumor. However it will destroy more of the PIT and make it function even less than it already is now (which I don't get).
Now I have to get more bloodwork and a few more tests but I don't need to go back until November/December so now we wait. I really hope somehow, someway we can find a way that during my next appointment I'm pregnant. I know I'm delusional but I'm not giving up hope that something might happen.
I can't give up hope, it's the only thing I have.
I’m so pissed off right now, I hate that fluckin test it sucks more than anything has ever sucked before. Seriously how do you lose MRIs, I’m sorry the server went down but now I have to screw around to get another one taken. And believe you me this time I’m leaving with a DVD.
This afternoon was my 6 month follow up with the Endocrinologist, I didn't really know what to expect but I knew I was going to get grilled and I did. I got to the office which was in the hospital and they took my vitals and brought me to a room. First the nurse came in and he had the chart up and made sure all the info the doctor had was correct. Next one of the fellows in the practice came in to ask me just about any and every question under the sun. She examined me, listened to my heart, back and belly. Felt my thyroid and everything looked good.
Finally after about an hour I got to me "my" doctor and I really liked him. It was nice, and he explained a lot and went over a bunch of things. He did give me the news we already knew, I have a non-functioning pituitary gland. They looked at the last scan (back in February) and wanted to check out this one...but oh wait Yale lost it.
The little bit of good news if I do get pregnant I do have enough of the PIT left to sustain me though pregnancy. They will follow me closely and watch all my levels but they think it'll be ok. The endo also told me that if the tumor does grow they will wait until after we have decided to stop pursuing pregnancy all together or until we have all the children that we want. Before they do another surgery or radiation treatment. He thinks I'm a perfect candidate for radiation surgery because of the location of the tumor. However it will destroy more of the PIT and make it function even less than it already is now (which I don't get).
Now I have to get more bloodwork and a few more tests but I don't need to go back until November/December so now we wait. I really hope somehow, someway we can find a way that during my next appointment I'm pregnant. I know I'm delusional but I'm not giving up hope that something might happen.
I can't give up hope, it's the only thing I have.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Another Journey and a history lesson
It all started back in 1991, I was 18 years old fresh out of high school and I decided that I wanted to go to travel school and see the world. So that's exactly what I did. I went on cruises and vacations, saw the Americas, Europe, and the Caribbean. I had fun and I loved what I was doing, I was young and had not a care in the world.
Please feel free to like or share or ask questions or who knows even book the vacation of your dreams!
Fast forward 18 years, I was working for a large corporation planning corporate travel for many different companies when I get the call to the office where I was given a pretty blue file and a pretty pink slip. My days of travel planning and organizing were over or so I thought they were.
Fast forward again to a few weeks ago when D and I were talking about missing the few little perks I got as being a travel agent. They weren't huge or giant discounts, but I saw what was on sale and where the deals were so we booked things and took trips. After several long conversations and soul searching I decided it was time to go back through my hat in the ring and do something I truly loved.
I found some old contacts did a little research and found a job that I was able to work from home at my own time and at my own pace. So Little Cottage Travel was born. I created a Facebook page and a website for my new business, both are a work in progress at the moment and still need a little help but it's a start. I'm excited, scared, nervous to embark on this new journey and in the long run it will be worth the blood sweat and tears that I know are forthcoming.
Please feel free to like or share or ask questions or who knows even book the vacation of your dreams!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Welcome to home rentership
So we're all moved in, it took us 3 weeks and 3 days to pack up and move but we did it and we couldn't be happier.
I can't say the unpacking is going as well, but we're getting there. The kitchen, living room, guest bedroom are done. The office and master bedroom still need some work. We've got about 10 boxes that still need to find a home but it's getting there.
Today the Goal was to get the dryer hooked up, unfortunately we had to change the power cord which required a trip to home depot to get a 4 prong cord to fit in the outlet we have in the house. Thanks to Google I installed the new cord plugged it in and it worked. Yay success. Next we hooked up the washer and the cold water hose broke and water went all over. Looks like another trip to home depot is on the list of things to do tomorrow.
It may not be the exact outcome that we wanted but it was something we did in our home. I can't tell you how happy we are to be here and how wonderful the last week and 1/2 has been. Next weekend is going to be yard work weekend. We need to find a lawnmower and I want to buy some plants and start a small veggie garden. But they say we shouldn't do it for a week or so because we have some chance for frost still. It actually dropped down in the 30s last night.
I can't wait to get more things done and the house decorated exactly the way we want it. I would love to have a family in this house and somehow I will find a way for this to happen
I can't say the unpacking is going as well, but we're getting there. The kitchen, living room, guest bedroom are done. The office and master bedroom still need some work. We've got about 10 boxes that still need to find a home but it's getting there.
Today the Goal was to get the dryer hooked up, unfortunately we had to change the power cord which required a trip to home depot to get a 4 prong cord to fit in the outlet we have in the house. Thanks to Google I installed the new cord plugged it in and it worked. Yay success. Next we hooked up the washer and the cold water hose broke and water went all over. Looks like another trip to home depot is on the list of things to do tomorrow.
It may not be the exact outcome that we wanted but it was something we did in our home. I can't tell you how happy we are to be here and how wonderful the last week and 1/2 has been. Next weekend is going to be yard work weekend. We need to find a lawnmower and I want to buy some plants and start a small veggie garden. But they say we shouldn't do it for a week or so because we have some chance for frost still. It actually dropped down in the 30s last night.
I can't wait to get more things done and the house decorated exactly the way we want it. I would love to have a family in this house and somehow I will find a way for this to happen
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Happy Blogiversary to me
I can't believe I've been writing for a year. I can't believe all that has happened in the last 365 days. The good, the bad and the in between. The happy, the sad and the bitter and broken. Never give up, never surrender. I will be a mother one day some how!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
A little good news.
Our house hunt has been a long an arduous one, we've had bad luck after bad luck. Lost houses due to inspections, offers, and bidding wars.
We decided to wait for a little bit and actually give up on the hunt and decided to rent for a while to get out of the apartment that we're living in now. We got lucky and found the perfect house, it's adorable a cute little country cottage in the middle of the sticks with almost 3 acres of land.
We're in love and we're moving in to the house in two short weeks. Packing is going to suck, but it will be worth it in the end.
We decided to wait for a little bit and actually give up on the hunt and decided to rent for a while to get out of the apartment that we're living in now. We got lucky and found the perfect house, it's adorable a cute little country cottage in the middle of the sticks with almost 3 acres of land.
We're in love and we're moving in to the house in two short weeks. Packing is going to suck, but it will be worth it in the end.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
It's official
I talked to our HR department and found out even with the CT State Fertility Insurance Mandate we are still not covered for treatment.
I don't get it...it's MANDATED!! How do you say no, but since they are "self-insured" they don't have to follow the mandate. So basically unless D gets a job in the next 3 months with day one coverage and fertility treatment a biological child is not in our future. As I've said before with the debt from surgery there is no way to afford IVF we just don't have $11k.
I think the hardest thing is knowing that I won't be able to look my child in the eyes and see a part of me, see a part of my husband. Right now without the money for treatment our only option is state adoption which could take years and years. I know if we do adopt I will love that child more than anything else but now it's just so hard to mourn the loss of a child that never existed or will exist.
I don't get it...it's MANDATED!! How do you say no, but since they are "self-insured" they don't have to follow the mandate. So basically unless D gets a job in the next 3 months with day one coverage and fertility treatment a biological child is not in our future. As I've said before with the debt from surgery there is no way to afford IVF we just don't have $11k.
I think the hardest thing is knowing that I won't be able to look my child in the eyes and see a part of me, see a part of my husband. Right now without the money for treatment our only option is state adoption which could take years and years. I know if we do adopt I will love that child more than anything else but now it's just so hard to mourn the loss of a child that never existed or will exist.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Broken. In more ways than one.
My RE's office call me today to tell me that my insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments. Which I really don't get because my state has a mandate that makes fertility coverage mandatory for anyone in the state. The only requirements that the state has is the company has to have more than 50 people (my company has 750) or if the company has any sort of religious background, yeah not so much.
When I talked to the office to ask about options they told me I could do the self pay option, which really isn't an option. The cost is $750 per monitoring appointment and $650 for the IUI, the doctor told me that I would need to come every other day for about 2 weeks to check on progress, it may be less or more depending on how I respond to the drugs. The cost of the drugs are $80.00 a day again for about 2 weeks depending on how I respond, but she thought two weeks for sure.
So all together were looking at approx $13k for something that may or may not work and I’m not ok with those odds. The only reason we were going to try this before jumping to IVF was I wanted to see if I would respond, it was basically a throw away cycle and I wasn’t ready to give up and jump right to IVF. I really wish we could afford all of this but right now I'm already about $30k in debt from brain surgery, so I don't think I can afford this on top of that, actually I know I can't afford this.
Hindsight now I should have just froze my eggs before the surgery that would have been paid for by the insurance, but again at that point I wasn’t ready to give up hope that I could be lucky enough to have a baby on my own.
I think the hardest thing about it, this is something that has been consuming my every thought for the past 3 years, with tests and doctors visits and so on and so on, poked and prodded all for the sake of something that will never happen now. Something we both want so much we talk about every day we dreamed and planned picked out names and how we would raise a child.
I spent my day at work sitting at my desk in tears mourning the loss of a biological child that never will be. FU IF!!
Friday, March 1, 2013
Bitter and Baren. IF SUCKS!!
Today I spent two hours of my life I’m never getting back….and $50
It was possibly the worst doctor’s appointment every. I went in to discuss some options, was in the waiting room for 1/2 hour and then she ran though about 20 scenarios what we were going to do and try and see if it works. We decided to try an IUI cycle with injectible meds. The RE isn't sure what the meds are going to do, she wants to start me on a low dose and see what happens. She said expect to stim for "a while" typically I think people stim for 5-7 days and she was talking about starting the low does for 7-10 days and then up the dose. Since my hormone levels are so screwed up she has no clue what is going to happen or how the stims are going to work.
While this is all happening D is sitting there basically dumbfounded and I felt so bad for him because the RE didn’t even really talk to him, she kinda talked around him. He’s already not feeling the best and this may have pushed him over the edge. Plus the fact he’s dealing with the same stress about having a child that I am, anytime he sees another picture or announcement it hurts him just as much as it hurts me. And not to mention he’s not really happy about using a little modern medicine he wants it to happen the old fashion way. Which of course with my issues can’t happen and that makes me feel like crap because I can’t give him what he wants.
Tonight when I came home from work it didn't get any better and the fact that I actually had time to think and not just focus on work the tears just flowed. D and I talked everything out and we had a good long discussion and fought a little and cried together. But I think we managed to come to a mutual decision.
I really hate the feelings that come with IF. I still feel like it's my fault and that my husband still resents me, but this is just my inner demons coming out.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Today was not a good one.
Today was an extremely difficult day for me, one year ago today I said goodbye to my mother. One year ago was the last time I heard her voice, the last time I held her hand, the last time I got a hug and the very last time I kissed her head and said goodbye.
I wish she was here with me and by my side on this long journey, to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok, but she's not.
Each day in the past 365 was a little easier and easier, but it's still not right, it's still not perfect. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her or miss her or wish she was with me. But I find a way to go on with life since I know that's what she would want me to do.
I wish she was here with me and by my side on this long journey, to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok, but she's not.
Each day in the past 365 was a little easier and easier, but it's still not right, it's still not perfect. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her or miss her or wish she was with me. But I find a way to go on with life since I know that's what she would want me to do.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
I think he resents me.
I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I think my husband actually resents me. I know he hurts and I know he's sad all he says is I just want one healthy child.
And at this point I can't give him that, I can't do for him what I'm supposed to be able to do. I hate my body, because it doesn't work the way it should. I cry because I can't get what I want, and I cry because I can't get him what he wants.
They say God won't give you more than you can handle or it was God's will. But I can't believe that God would take a child away from one person and then not allow him to conceive another one.
And at this point I can't give him that, I can't do for him what I'm supposed to be able to do. I hate my body, because it doesn't work the way it should. I cry because I can't get what I want, and I cry because I can't get him what he wants.
They say God won't give you more than you can handle or it was God's will. But I can't believe that God would take a child away from one person and then not allow him to conceive another one.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Maybe a ray of light
D and I wanted to see his goddaughter today (she's 10) but sadly she went to her sisters house. But her mother was home and we had a long wonderful talk with her.
I actually opened up to her and told her about all of my issues and she told us that we can adopt through the state and it's free the only thing you pay for is application fee and probate to change the child s name. She runs a medical foster home and has adopted many of her children included D's goddaughter. After we left the house we talked and decided we are going to start the process. We always said we wanted to adopt because of his goddaughter but didn't think we could because of the money issue. I'm still not giving up on a biological child just yet but there's still a little hope that we will have a child.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Surgery follow up and some crappy news.
Had my MRI (which sucked as usual) and follow up with Dr. S today, he was happy with how I was feeling and my energy levels and such. After looking at the scans he did say I lost some of the pituitary gland during surgery and there are a few tumor cells left, but the good news is they’re away from the optic chasm so it shouldn't mess with vision too much.
Next plan of action is 3 more MRIs over the next year and they’re going to watch the cells and see if they grow or shrink or whatever, if they do grow they will need to do what they call Gamma Knife surgery, but it’s outpatient and noninvasive radiation surgery. They basically take a laser and blast the remnants of the tumor away. I know I looked like a deer caught in headlights when he was telling me what was going on but after talking to him for a few minutes I realized it wasn't going to be that bad.
Now for the crappy news, D got fired today They told him this was because of job abandonment since he didn't come in for two days even though he called in both days. I’m so upset right now I’m seeing red. The big issue is he carries our insurance, I can still take insurance from here because it would be a qualifying event but it’s so expensive and covers next to nothing. It’s going to cost about $500 a month plus the fact we’ll be short his paycheck, I don’t know what we’re going to do. Plus the fact now this seals the nail in the coffin at a chance of having a child. Because our insurance doesn't cover anything IF related, so that means IVF out of pocket. I know he’ll get unemployment but that’s only going to be about 200 a week, it’ll help but it’s not going to cover everything.
Next plan of action is 3 more MRIs over the next year and they’re going to watch the cells and see if they grow or shrink or whatever, if they do grow they will need to do what they call Gamma Knife surgery, but it’s outpatient and noninvasive radiation surgery. They basically take a laser and blast the remnants of the tumor away. I know I looked like a deer caught in headlights when he was telling me what was going on but after talking to him for a few minutes I realized it wasn't going to be that bad.
Now for the crappy news, D got fired today They told him this was because of job abandonment since he didn't come in for two days even though he called in both days. I’m so upset right now I’m seeing red. The big issue is he carries our insurance, I can still take insurance from here because it would be a qualifying event but it’s so expensive and covers next to nothing. It’s going to cost about $500 a month plus the fact we’ll be short his paycheck, I don’t know what we’re going to do. Plus the fact now this seals the nail in the coffin at a chance of having a child. Because our insurance doesn't cover anything IF related, so that means IVF out of pocket. I know he’ll get unemployment but that’s only going to be about 200 a week, it’ll help but it’s not going to cover everything.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Why do I always end up in tears when I go home from the RE's office?
Today was the follow up with my RE after the gallons of blood they took. We have a plan but I'm not sure how good it is. Basically the plan at this point is an appointment with a High Risk OB/GYN to see if I can carry to term because pregnancy causes issues with the Pituitary, also at this point after the 2 hour GTT I am now pre-diabetic so she wants me to see another Endocrinologist to check out my other hormone levels and if GD may become an issue once I get pregnant.
So two more doctors visits and finally we can start treatment. She wanted me to jump right to IVF but I told her I didn't know if I was completely comfortable with that so I talked her into trying 1 round of injectables first. After talking it over she thought it was a good idea because that way we can see how or if I will respond at all to the medications and give us a good starting point for IVF. Since the pituitary is pretty much is shut down and my FSH levels are still really, really low she thinks it may be 8-10days of stims before we get anywhere.
The other big issue is we found out insurance covers 4 injectable cycles and 2 IVF cycles but we have a huge deductible to pay before we can do anything and it needs to be paid up front. But we need to do it before then end of August because at that point the IF coverage disappears and then we would be completely OOP for everything. What sucks is our deductible goes Jan/Jan so the clock just started again and it everything that we paid for surgery and all the testing doesn't get added in to this.
There are days I just want to give up but I know if I do I would wonder for the rest of my life what if. I don't want a life of what if's. I just want my family to be complete.
So two more doctors visits and finally we can start treatment. She wanted me to jump right to IVF but I told her I didn't know if I was completely comfortable with that so I talked her into trying 1 round of injectables first. After talking it over she thought it was a good idea because that way we can see how or if I will respond at all to the medications and give us a good starting point for IVF. Since the pituitary is pretty much is shut down and my FSH levels are still really, really low she thinks it may be 8-10days of stims before we get anywhere.
The other big issue is we found out insurance covers 4 injectable cycles and 2 IVF cycles but we have a huge deductible to pay before we can do anything and it needs to be paid up front. But we need to do it before then end of August because at that point the IF coverage disappears and then we would be completely OOP for everything. What sucks is our deductible goes Jan/Jan so the clock just started again and it everything that we paid for surgery and all the testing doesn't get added in to this.
There are days I just want to give up but I know if I do I would wonder for the rest of my life what if. I don't want a life of what if's. I just want my family to be complete.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Another one bites the dust.
Another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust...A house that is.
I can't believe we lost another house at inspection. But after talking it over with the realtor and reading the inspection report we thought the right thing to do was to walk away. We figured with the upgrades that we wanted to do on the house and the repairs that needed to be made before we could even move in we were going to be looking at over $30,000. With what we were offered for the house and the additional cost we would be pricing ourselves out of the neighborhood.
We didn't really want to be underwater before we moved in, to me it just didn't make sense. When I finally talked to our realtor and told him I was actually pretty sad about it I baked two dozen cupcakes and drowned my sorrows in double chocolate.
So now we're back on the hunt and I know the right house is out there we just have to find it.
I can't believe we lost another house at inspection. But after talking it over with the realtor and reading the inspection report we thought the right thing to do was to walk away. We figured with the upgrades that we wanted to do on the house and the repairs that needed to be made before we could even move in we were going to be looking at over $30,000. With what we were offered for the house and the additional cost we would be pricing ourselves out of the neighborhood.
We didn't really want to be underwater before we moved in, to me it just didn't make sense. When I finally talked to our realtor and told him I was actually pretty sad about it I baked two dozen cupcakes and drowned my sorrows in double chocolate.
So now we're back on the hunt and I know the right house is out there we just have to find it.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Infertile Girl Problem: Bitter Betty
I hate the way I feel, I hate the fact that I'm not happy. I hate the fact when I see other peoples children it hurts me. I hate the fact that friends that met after D and I did are working on children #2 or #3. I really want to be happy for them but I just can't.
I'm a good person, I try to put others before me, I try to help others and make sure everyone else is happy.
Why me? Why now? Why this challenge?
These are all questions that I can't answer, these are things I just don't know.
Where is my happy ending?
I'm a good person, I try to put others before me, I try to help others and make sure everyone else is happy.
Why me? Why now? Why this challenge?
These are all questions that I can't answer, these are things I just don't know.
Where is my happy ending?
Friday, January 11, 2013
Another set back
I thought I was just going in to get a script for Provera and was going to try to talk to her about doing a Clomid cycle but she had other plans.
We start to chat and she asked me how I was feeling and how I was doing after surgery. She told me that she followed my case and talked to my neuro a few times and she thought he was wonderful, I said I felt the same way. I told her I was feeling well and most all of the issues that happened after surgery were gone. The headaches were starting to go away and the I was starting to go back to my normal day-to-day routine. She was happy to hear that and she wanted to talk about a plan for moving forward.
She asked me when my last period was and of course I told her and she was a little concerned that I haven't had one since surgery. We started to talk a little more and she said well I want to run the entire set of labs again and see what's going on after surgery and if my Pit Gland was working.
She also wanted to do an ultrasound and check my lining to see how thick it was and how my ovaries looked. After about 40 minutes in the room with her a med student and the dildo cam she said everything looked great. She was a little surprised that my lining wasn't thick at all which was something she wasn't expecting to see she said it should be somewhere between 8mm-10mm (1cm) but it was only 6mm. She doesn't want to do Provera right now she thinks we should wait because the lining was thin.
So I get dressed and she leaves to go review a few things. This is when it all went down hill...and fast. She comes back and explains to me that after looking at the last set of blood work, my ovaries and my ute Clomid might not be an option for me, because what the Clomid does is it tricks your brain to produce estrogen and FSH to create a folice and make me ovulate, but there's a good possibility if the Pit isn't working after surgery the Clomid won't do what it's supposed to. She also thinks the only real option might be is injectables and an IUI.
Right now to say I hate my brain is an understatement. I hate the fact that I will never ovulate on my own and even after all that I've been through I may still never get the one thing that I want in life the most. I cried most of the day was pretty weepy about the whole situation but the RE is still confident somehow someway I will get pregnant.
We start to chat and she asked me how I was feeling and how I was doing after surgery. She told me that she followed my case and talked to my neuro a few times and she thought he was wonderful, I said I felt the same way. I told her I was feeling well and most all of the issues that happened after surgery were gone. The headaches were starting to go away and the I was starting to go back to my normal day-to-day routine. She was happy to hear that and she wanted to talk about a plan for moving forward.
She asked me when my last period was and of course I told her and she was a little concerned that I haven't had one since surgery. We started to talk a little more and she said well I want to run the entire set of labs again and see what's going on after surgery and if my Pit Gland was working.
She also wanted to do an ultrasound and check my lining to see how thick it was and how my ovaries looked. After about 40 minutes in the room with her a med student and the dildo cam she said everything looked great. She was a little surprised that my lining wasn't thick at all which was something she wasn't expecting to see she said it should be somewhere between 8mm-10mm (1cm) but it was only 6mm. She doesn't want to do Provera right now she thinks we should wait because the lining was thin.
So I get dressed and she leaves to go review a few things. This is when it all went down hill...and fast. She comes back and explains to me that after looking at the last set of blood work, my ovaries and my ute Clomid might not be an option for me, because what the Clomid does is it tricks your brain to produce estrogen and FSH to create a folice and make me ovulate, but there's a good possibility if the Pit isn't working after surgery the Clomid won't do what it's supposed to. She also thinks the only real option might be is injectables and an IUI.
Right now to say I hate my brain is an understatement. I hate the fact that I will never ovulate on my own and even after all that I've been through I may still never get the one thing that I want in life the most. I cried most of the day was pretty weepy about the whole situation but the RE is still confident somehow someway I will get pregnant.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
60 days post op
I made it, two months, 8 weeks, 60 days and I can say I feel great!
To go along with the "bet" I've been going back to the gym and tonight was the first time that I made it through an hour of full speed no holds barred Zumba and I felt 100% after it.
Not lightheaded, not sore, not tired nothing! It feels so good to feel good!
To go along with the "bet" I've been going back to the gym and tonight was the first time that I made it through an hour of full speed no holds barred Zumba and I felt 100% after it.
Not lightheaded, not sore, not tired nothing! It feels so good to feel good!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
A little annoyed but moving forward
Here's a little history lesson for you, I'm currently on CD 137 and when you break that down CD1 was on August 20 2012 which equals just about 5 months ago and that was started with a prescription of Provera 10 days prior to that. And that script came from the same day I found out about the little critter. It's been a crazy 5 months of tests, exams, MRIs, CT scans, surgery and recovery.
Yesterday I called my RE's office to get another prescription and the dingbat nurse I talked to wouldn't call one in for me and to say I was annoyed was an understatement. She wanted me to come in so we could schedule blood work to make sure I wasn't pregnant (umm hello) and to make sure I haven't ovulated on my own (again hello).
I tried to explain to her that because of the tumor that was removed on my brain I wasn't ovulating and unable to on my own and probably haven't for years and years...still not grasping. So finally I broke down and make an appointment to come in and discuss the Provera script and also I think it's time to have the Clomid talk as well. I was going to wait until after my next appointment with my Neurosurgeon to see what was going on with the critter (or lack thereof) but this is just the push I need and maybe by the time the next appointment comes around there is a possibility that I'll be KTFU!!
Yesterday I called my RE's office to get another prescription and the dingbat nurse I talked to wouldn't call one in for me and to say I was annoyed was an understatement. She wanted me to come in so we could schedule blood work to make sure I wasn't pregnant (umm hello) and to make sure I haven't ovulated on my own (again hello).
I tried to explain to her that because of the tumor that was removed on my brain I wasn't ovulating and unable to on my own and probably haven't for years and years...still not grasping. So finally I broke down and make an appointment to come in and discuss the Provera script and also I think it's time to have the Clomid talk as well. I was going to wait until after my next appointment with my Neurosurgeon to see what was going on with the critter (or lack thereof) but this is just the push I need and maybe by the time the next appointment comes around there is a possibility that I'll be KTFU!!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013
Dear 2012.
I just wanted to bid you adieu. You made me laugh you made me cry, you tested my strength, my faith and my patience. You brought me new friends and closer to old friends. You made me realize what was important to me and who was important to me. I want 2013 to bring health and happiness to everyone and make all of our wishes come true.
Love
Me
I just wanted to bid you adieu. You made me laugh you made me cry, you tested my strength, my faith and my patience. You brought me new friends and closer to old friends. You made me realize what was important to me and who was important to me. I want 2013 to bring health and happiness to everyone and make all of our wishes come true.
Love
Me
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