Bitter, Bitchy and Broken

I'm bitter and bitchy because all around me are women who are pregnant and getting pregnant everyday.  They're able to achieve the one thing that I cannot seem to do because I am broken in more ways than one.

The thing that is the hardest for me is knowing once we start the adoption process there are so many things we have to do before we can even think about bringing home a child.

1. We start background checks to make sure we are good people.
2. We go through a 10 week training program to teach us to be good parents
3. We have to have a psychological profile done to make sure we're sane and in have a good relationship.

All things these things need to be done before we can even be considered for child.  So how is possible people who are in horrible marriages and think a child will "fix" it are able to have children?  People who are terrible parents and mistreat and neglect their children are able to have children?  And finally people are so insecure about their own self and their own well being are able to have children?

This is what makes this whole process so difficult for me, we are a happily married loving couple who would do anything to become a family, so why, why do we have to go through this?  Oh yeah because I'm broken, because the little critter in my head does on allow my ovaries to work, because we don't have the money to pay for IVF and we have no infertility coverage.

These are the reasons we are a family of two and trying to become a family of three.  These are the reasons that I cannot give my husband he longs for.  These are the reasons that keep me awake a night, and in tears more times that I would like to admit.  I know I won't always feel this way, but right now it's what controls my thoughts and is the constant in my life.  

Maybe one day it won't.