Today was not a good one.

Today was an extremely difficult day for me, one year ago today I said goodbye to my mother.  One year ago was the last time I heard her voice, the last time I held her hand, the last time I got a hug and the very last time I kissed her head and said goodbye.

I wish she was here with me and by my side on this long journey, to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok, but she's not.

Each day in the past 365 was a little easier and easier, but it's still not right, it's still not perfect.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of her or miss her or wish she was with me.  But I find a way to go on with life since I know that's what she would want me to do.

I think he resents me.

I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I think my husband actually resents me. I know he hurts and I know he's sad all he says is I just want one healthy child.

And at this point I can't give him that, I can't do for him what I'm supposed to be able to do. I hate my body, because it doesn't work the way it should.  I cry because I can't get what I want, and I cry because I can't get him what he wants.

They say God won't give you more than you can handle or it was God's will.  But I can't believe that God would take a child away from one person and then not allow him to conceive another one.

Maybe a ray of light

D and I wanted to see his goddaughter today (she's 10) but sadly she went to her sisters house. But her mother was home and we had a long wonderful talk with her. I actually opened up to her and told her about all of my issues and she told us that we can adopt through the state and it's free the only thing you pay for is application fee and probate to change the child s name. She runs a medical foster home and has adopted many of her children included D's goddaughter. After we left the house we talked and decided we are going to start the process. We always said we wanted to adopt because of his goddaughter but didn't think we could because of the money issue. I'm still not giving up on a biological child just yet but there's still a little hope that we will have a child.

 

Surgery follow up and some crappy news.

Had my MRI (which sucked as usual) and follow up with Dr. S today, he was happy with how I was feeling and my energy levels and such. After looking at the scans he did say I lost some of the pituitary gland during surgery and there are a few tumor cells left, but the good news is they’re away from the optic chasm so it shouldn't mess with vision too much.

Next plan of action is 3 more MRIs over the next year and they’re going to watch the cells and see if they grow or shrink or whatever, if they do grow they will need to do what they call Gamma Knife surgery, but it’s outpatient and noninvasive radiation surgery. They basically take a laser and blast the remnants of the tumor away. I know I looked like a deer caught in headlights when he was telling me what was going on but after talking to him for a few minutes I realized it wasn't going to be that bad.

 Now for the crappy news, D got fired today They told him this was because of job abandonment since he didn't come in for two days even though he called in both days. I’m so upset right now I’m seeing red. The big issue is he carries our insurance, I can still take insurance from here because it would be a qualifying event but it’s so expensive and covers next to nothing. It’s going to cost about $500 a month plus the fact we’ll be short his paycheck, I don’t know what we’re going to do. Plus the fact now this seals the nail in the coffin at a chance of having a child. Because our insurance doesn't cover anything IF related, so that means IVF out of pocket. I know he’ll get unemployment but that’s only going to be about 200 a week, it’ll help but it’s not going to cover everything.

Why do I always end up in tears when I go home from the RE's office?

Today was the follow up with my RE after the gallons of blood they took. We have a plan but I'm not sure how good it is. Basically the plan at this point is an appointment with a High Risk OB/GYN to see if I can carry to term because pregnancy causes issues with the Pituitary, also at this point after the 2 hour GTT I am now pre-diabetic so she wants me to see another Endocrinologist to check out my other hormone levels and if GD may become an issue once I get pregnant.

So two more doctors visits and finally we can start treatment. She wanted me to jump right to IVF but I told her I didn't know if I was completely comfortable with that so I talked her into trying 1 round of injectables first. After talking it over she thought it was a good idea because that way we can see how or if I will respond at all to the medications and give us a good starting point for IVF. Since the pituitary is pretty much is shut down and my FSH levels are still really, really low she thinks it may be 8-10days of stims before we get anywhere.

The other big issue is we found out insurance covers 4 injectable cycles and 2 IVF cycles but we have a huge deductible to pay before we can do anything and it needs to be paid up front. But we need to do it before then end of August because at that point the IF coverage disappears and then we would be completely OOP for everything. What sucks is our deductible goes Jan/Jan so the clock just started again and it everything that we paid for surgery and all the testing doesn't get added in to this.

There are days I just want to give up but I know if I do I would wonder for the rest of my life what if.  I don't want a life of what if's.  I just want my family to be complete.