The Bet!

D and I decided that we were going to start a small wager.  Since recovering from surgery I haven't really been dieting and paying attention to what we've been eating, and slowly a few pounds creeped back on.  After surgery and my hospital stay I lost a total of about 10lbs and sadly in the 7 weeks following that time I gained those 10 pounds back and I really don't want them.

So tonight on the way home from gorging ourselves on Christmas dinner #2 at the in-laws I thought there had to be a way to get this under control and my solution a bet, a big bet.  I proposed a small wager of the first person to lose 50lbs gets $50 from the person who didn't get there first.  And if that wasn't enough I added another level of the 1st person to 100lbs gets $100.  And finally the grand prize if we get our ultimate goal weight and lose 125lbs each he gets the experience of a lifetime which he has always wanted to do but we really didn't have the money to do it.  It's called "Hand on the Throttle" it's a chance to drive a locomotive engine with classes and about 45 minutes to drive.  And if I get to my ultimate goal weight I get a beautiful Michael Kors purse that I have been lusting over.

I don't know if this is going to work, but I do know that we are both very competitive people and we both refuse to lose so this might get ugly but I think in the long run the benefits will outweigh (forgive the pun) the fights and bickering over the next 6 months to a year and bring us what we need.  Health and well being.

Wish us luck because I know we're going to need it.

11 Days Post Op

Today is 11 days past brain surgery and I can honestly say today is the 1st day that I feel well.  I didn't wake up with a headache, I did however wake up with a backache.  In retrospect I'm doing well and much better than expected, I don't know if I could have said that a week ago.

Here is the journey from surgery to current day and how it went.

Surgery Day.

I got to the hospital around noon checked in got settled and prepped for surgery.  They put me in a funny little paper dress and hat and oh so stylish slipper socks.  After a delay they rolled me into surgery around 2pm.

The last thing I remember was getting into the OR and them unlocking the door, it was a strange OR with a big screen to see what they're doing and an airlock on the door.  I get in the room they note the time that it's 2:04pm the nurse says we're going to give you something to relax and that was the last thing I remember.  The next 8:00pm, 6 hours gone and didn't know what happened.

I woke up with a huge headache and backache from the drain they placed in my back.  I was groggy and drowsy but feeling ok.

I spent the next two days in the ICU being poked and prodded along the way checking anything and everything they could check.  But all my hormone levels were good and I was progressing better than they thought.

So they told me they would send me off to the regular floor and out of the ICU, I did so good I was able to walk out of the ICU to the regular floor without any help (I was a little proud of that myself)

This was followed by another 3 days of poking and prodding in the hospital and the doctor said I was able to go home and so off I went.

I still don't feel 100% but I'm getting better all the time, and I can do a little more everyday.  I'm guessing I might be back 100% in about a week or so, which to me is just amazing.

I'm so thankful and feel so blessed to be doing so well just two weeks after brain surgery considering how scared I was just before surgery.

So true

I really must remember this.

Finally a little good news

I was sitting in work and my cell phone rings with a strange number I don't recognize, but I reluctantly answer it.

My RE was calling me to check in and see how I was doing.  I told her when the surgery was and she told me I was in good hands with my neurosurgeon and not to worry and there are plenty of fertility treatment options for me after surgery.

I can't begin to tell you how much I love her.  This is a huge step considering the neuro told me there was a huge possibility I wouldn't be able to get pregnant after surgery and possibly turn menopausal. She really put my mind at ease today and helped with the anxiety about the surgery.  To say I'm over the moon happy right now is an understatement.

I know it's still going to be a long road ahead of us but this is a huge step forward.

It's scheduled.

I came home late from work and going to the gym, cooked dinner, ate and did the dishes.  I finally get around to opening up today's mail and there was a letter from my Neurosurgeon.  At 1st I thought it was just another bill, I swear I'm going to owe Yale my 1st born (oh wait never mind they might not get that) I read the letter and my surgery has been scheduled.

It's set to go on Oct 30 2012, I have to be to the hospital at 6:00 am and I'm really not looking forward to that.  Theyalso scheduled my pre-surgery testing including another MRI and CT Scan and a physical.

I also have to meet with my Neurosurgeon at after all the testing to explain surgery to me and make sure I understand it all.

This just got very real!

Surgery

If you read the my Real Diagnosis post you know that on my last RE appointment they told me the cause of my IF is not PCOS, but a large pituitary tumor on sitting on the base of my brain.  She referred me to a neurosurgeon to  see what kind of treatment I needed for it.

But after seeing the Neurosurgeon he sat down with me and went over everything and apparently the tumor is so large it needs to be removed. The doctor said he wants to do surgery as soon as possible, not tomorrow but in the next month or so. I still have to go to the eye doctor for field vision testing to see if the tumor has caused any damage to my vision now or if it will in the future.

Now the hardest thing for me to hear wasn't the fact that I had a brain tumor, wasn't the fact they're going to remove it, but the fact that there is a large possibility that once the tumor is removed there's no guarantee that I'll be able to have children.  The pituitary controls the the hormones that make my ovaries work, and it is possible that once everything is done it may never work and essentially I could go into early menopause.

The neuro is going to talk to the RE to see if it is a possibility of doing and ER and freezing some eggs prior to surgery. But since I'm OOP for meds and wasn't really expecting this I don't think I have the money for the meds to do this.

I'm still praying for a miracle and again this is yet another speed bump in the road to start our flock.

Infertile Girl Problems

One of the biggest issues that face an infertile girl is it always seems that there are a million fertile girls that are surrounding them that all get KU simultaneously.   Went into work today and one of the girls comes around happy and squeeing that she messed up taking her BCP and whoops now she's KTFU!!  Figures how does this just happen to people.  She trys to explain that they didn't know if they wanted another baby, but it'll be ok.  We're so happy and blessed.

I have to pretend to be excited for her and happy that wow she was the .02% who's birth control didn't work.  This is not the thing that the girl who is on day 8 of Provera to induce my period because my body is incapable of ovulating on its own.  YAY ME!  So to top it all off I'm cranky, crabby, bloated, bitchy and just  generally off.  Not to mention I want to eat everything in site.

This is one of the things that started my crappy day out. But I knew it wasn't going to be a good day when Dunkin Donuts screwed up my coffee at 8am, it's all going to be downhill from there.

Too top off this craptastic day from hell, the house that we had on contract and under deposit we found out FHA wouldn't finance the house because the well and the septic system were to close together. So we found what could be a great starter home to build our little flock and we had to walk away from it.  They say if something is wrong with the house and you walk away it's because it wasn't really "your" house and our dream house is still out there waiting for us.  So we're back to the search yet again.

Little things that have huge impact.

I got a simple little card in the mail today, it was the perfect little pick-me-up and just what I needed because I was feeling down.

The words of a virtual stranger could make me feel so much better, I really appreciate the love and support that I have from afar.  So I just wanted to share this and keep it for the future when I have that little one in my arms I won't ever forget what happened.

Finally a real diagnosis.

We all know I've been struggling with the unknown, and the waiting for the last three months for my follow up appointment and how things are going.  The RE wanted to give me three months on the MF to see if it was working and how it was working, and from what I can see...it isn't

I get to the office and there are three pregnant women sitting in the waiting room, and this gives me a little hope, albeit false hope, but I digress.  I go in and the nurse takes my vitals height/weight/BP well the good news was in the last three months I lost 8lbs, a very hard fought 8lbs but hey I'll take them because the scale is going in the right direction.

After all of this I finally get in to see the RE and I told her what was going on and how things were going she sat down and wanted to go over all the tests I've taken in the last couple of months, and also found out the reason for the extra couple of test.  When she sat down I received news that was very difficult to hear, so hard I actually started to cry.  Apparently I don't have PCOS but she wanted to let me know that the MRI found a 2 cm mass on my Pitutary Gland on the base of my brain.  I heard words I never wanted to hear in my life, a million scenarios flashed through my now imperfect brain and tears rolled down my face.

Do I have cancer? Is it treatable?  Will I need radiation are they going to cut my skull open?  All these scenarios raced through my now imperfect brain.  The only thing that is getting me through this waiting period is the fact that if it was something they thought was serious or life threatening they would have had me in that day.  And the fact that I did a little research and come to find out these types of things are 99.98% benign and of those most of them don't need surgery.  Some can be treated with just medications and some people can go their entire life without any issues or symptoms.  If I wasn't trying to get pregnant and my doctor wasn't very agressive I would have never know it was there.

Now I have to have faith, that I will beat this and it's just a stumbling block along the way to creating our family.

A little inspiration

Sometimes you see something and it really makes you think.  Think about life and where it's going and where it's been.

Since Subway Art is all the rage now a days and when I saw a post on Pinterest and thought it was really interesting and fun to do. I knew it was something I had to try.Here is my inspiration:

I love it, I love the saying, I love the thought and meaning behind it.  I love the fact how it shows that the family grows.  Unfortunately at this time our family hasn't yet been able to grow.  We want, we try, we wait.  So this picture has inspired me to create my own Subway Art, a reminder that one day our family will grow, it will be more than just two of us, we will add to it.

My Picture was printed and put up and now when I see it, I have a little more hope that in the near future I will be able to take away the uncertainty and add a real date

True love

What do you call true love.  I say it's the man who you send a text message to at 10am that the giant bottle of pee that's sitting in the refrigerator needs to go to the lab, and he goes willingly..ok begrudgingly.

I get a few yes dears along the way, but he did it for me, and trust me I'm thankful for that.

I'm also thankful at the moment all the testing is over, I did say for the moment, but I have to have my follow up in a few weeks with my RE, to see what our plan of attack is.  If it stays the same as when we first met, it will be Clomid in a few weeks, I'm so happy to get things going, and hopefully get that elusive BFP in the next couple of months.

Tests, yet again.

Just when you thought it was done.

The RE's office called and the nurse said that I should come back in and talk to the doctor about the MRI results and she wanted to get more blood work.


I have to go back for more blood work and a 24 hour urine test for Cortisol levels.  I did the unthinkable, I consulted Dr Google (that famous know-all) and found out so many things that I probably didn't need to know.  I would hope if they found something on the MRI the doctor would have not waited 3 weeks to call me after the test if they thought there was going to be an issue.

But of course the first thing that comes to your head is I have a brain tumor, but then reality kicks and and says seriously if there was any doubt there was an issue they would have had me back the next day not a month later or two months later, because she said to come back in the next couple of weeks.

So I'm still on a holding pattern and still waiting, taking my 2000mg of MF everyday and dealing with all the symptoms that comes with it.

I just want some answers soon.

Weigh in

1. How much weight have I lost this week?
Down 2lbs this week

2. What eating plan are you following?
South Beach

3. What kind of exercise have I engaged in over this past week? How many hours?

Zumba Sunday and Friday and a nice walk on Saturday so 3 hours

4. How was I successful this week ?
More exercise, better eating habits.

5. Any slips or set backs this week?
Today all asian food chinese for dinner and vietnamese for lunch

6. My motivation for losing weight this week?
Started using my fitness pal to take some accountability for what I eat.

7. Wild Card!!!
Summer is here and so is bathing suit season.

Weekly weigh in

1. How much weight have I lost this week?
Down 5lbs this week, but I'm back to the beach and haven't cheated at all, but I'm still up 5lbs from about 2 months ago, it's not moving.

2. What eating plan are you following?
South Beach

3. What kind of exercise have I engaged in over this past week? How many hours?

Zumba Sunday Monday and Friday
Tried to go wednesday, but house appoinment got out late and I missed it.

4. How was I successful this week ?
More exercise, better eating habits.

5. Any slips or set backs this week?
None really, I was actually pretty good

6. My motivation for losing weight this week?
Getting healthy and staying healthy, maybe with the help of the MF, I might even "O" on my own.

7. Wild Card!!!
Back to reality after vacation.  I may be broken down and beaten up, but I will win this battle!!

Back to the Beach...yet again.

As of this week I'm back to my old standby. About 5 years ago, I lost a total of 70lbs on SBD and did so well with it, but slowly over time gained all but 10lbs back. Which is very disheartening to me. I worked so hard on it, and slowly over 3 years it creeped back on. It was slow to come off and 20lbs here and 20lbs there it came back.

So I'm starting again, let's hope it works for me, and I can stick to it. I say I'm going to start it again and again, and I just can't stick with it.

So phase one starts now. Dinner tonight is going to be a good Phase 2 meal (only because I have some fruit) but tomorrow morning I'm starting Phase 1, which is the shortest phase, lasting 14 days. It reduces cravings for sugar and refined starches, stabilizes blood sugar. The most rapid weight loss takes place during this 2-week period.



If you're not sure what South Beach Diet is, it's all about eating low glycemic foods, that digest slowly and enter your bloodstream slowly. It's about not eating high sugary things that give you that sugar spike and down you out and slow down your metabolism to a dead crawl. But here's a little preview of things that you can eat and things you can't, also a list good glycemic foods.



Foods Allowed in Phase 1

BEEF Lean cuts, such as: Eye of Round Ground beef: Extra Lean (96/4) Lean (92/8) Sirloin (90/10) Tenderloin Top Loin Top Round LAMB (Remove all visible fat) Center Cut Chop Loin PORK Boiled ham Canadian bacon Loin Tenderloin POULTRY (SKINLESS) Cornish hen Turkey bacon (2 slices per day) Turkey and chicken breast SEAFOOD All types of fish and shellfish TOFU Use soft, low-fat or lite varieties VEAL Chop Cutlet, leg Top round EGGS The use of whole eggs is not limited unless otherwise directed by your doctor. Use egg whites and egg substitute if desired. LUNCHMEAT Fat-free or low-fat only MEAT SUBSTITUTES (SOY BASED) Bacon - Limit to 2 slices per day Burger - < 3 gms fat per 2-3 oz portion Chicken Patties & Nuggets - < 3 gms fat per 2-3 oz portion Hot Dogs - < 3 gms fat per 2-3 oz portion Natural Peanut Butter - 2 Tbsp (may use as protein choice or limited nut choice) Sausage Pattie - Limit 1 patty per day Seiten Soy Crumbles Soy Nuts - 1/4 cup for a protein snack is suggested serving Tempeh Yuba DAIRY Low-fat (1 percent) or fat-free milk or soy milk Plain or sugar-free low-fat or fat-free yogurt Fat-free half & half CHEESE (FAT-FREE OR LOW-FAT) American Cheddar Cottage cheese, 1-2% or fat-free Cream cheese substitute, dairy-free Feta Mozzarella Parmesan Provolone Ricotta String NUTS (Limit to one serving per day as specified) Almonds - 15 (Dry roasted recommended) Brazil Nuts - 4 Cashews - 15 (Dry roasted recommended) Pecans - 15 (Dry roasted recommended) Macadamia - 8 (Dry roasted recommended) Peanut Butter - 1 tsp Peanut Butter, Natural = 2 TBS Peanuts, 20 small (May use dry roasted or boiled) Pine Nuts (Pignolia) - 1 ounce Pistachios - 30 (Dry roasted recommended) Walnuts - 15 (Dry roasted recommended) In place of nuts, may use: Flax Seed - 3 TBS

VEGETABLE CHOICES (includes legumes) (May use fresh, frozen or canned without added sugar) Artichokes Asparagus Beans, Green Beans, Italian Beans, Wax Beans or Legumes: Black Beans Butter Beans Chickpeas or Garbanzo Pigeon Peas Soy Beans Split Peas Broccoli Bok Choy Cabbage Cauliflower Celery Collard Greens Cucumbers Eggplant Lettuce (All varieties) Juice (Limit to 6 ounces per day) Tomato V-8 Mushrooms Mustard Greens Okra Onion - Limit to 1/2 per day Peppers (All varieties) Pickles - Dill or those sweetened with Splenda® Radishes (All varieties) Rhubarb Sauerkraut Snow peas Spinach Sprouts, Alfalfa Squash, Spaghetti Squash, Summer Yellow Zucchini Tomato - Limit to 1 whole or 10 cherry per serving FAT CHOICES (with some suggested serving sizes) The following monounsaturated oils are recommended to be consumed daily: Olive Oil Canola Oil Other Oil Choices that may be chosen (Polyunsaturated or a blend of Monounsaturated): Corn Enova Grape seed Safflower Soybean OTHER FAT CHOICES: Avocado - 1/3 whole = 1 TBS oil Guacamole - ½ cup = 1 TBS oil Margarine - Chose those that do not contain Trans Fatty Acids such as Fleishmann's Premium Olive Oil or Smart Balance Mayonnaise - Regular or Low Fat Olives (Green or Ripe) 15 = 1/2 TBS Salad Dressing - Use those < 3 gms sugar per serving TOPPINGS & SAUCES use sparingly (check labels for added sugar) Hot Sauce Salsa - Limit to 2 TBS during phase 1 Soy Sauce - 1/2 TBS Steak Sauce - 1/2 TBS Worcestershire Sauce - 1 TBS Whipped Topping (Light) - 2 TBS SPICES AND SEASONINGS All spices that contain no added sugar Broth Extracts (almond, vanilla, or others) Horseradish sauce I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Spray Lemon Juice Lime Juice Pepper (black, cayenne, red, white) SWEET TREATS (Limit to 75 calories per day) Candies, hard, sugar-free Chocolate powder, no-added-sugar Cocoa powder, baking type Fudgsicles, sugar-free Gelatin, sugar-free Gum, sugar-free Popsicles, sugar-free Sugar substitute Some Sugar Free Products may be made with sugar alcohols (isomalt, lactitol, mannitol, sorbitol or xylitol) and are permitted on the SBD. They may have associated side effects of GI distress (abdominal pain, diarrhea & gas) if consumed in excessive amounts. SUGAR SUBSTITUTES Acesulfame K Fructose (needs to be counted as Sweet Treats, Caloric Limit) Nutrasweet (Equal) Saccharin (Sweet & Low) Sucralose (Splenda) Stevia (Not approved by FDA)

Foods NOT Allowed and to be Avoided in Phase 1

VEGETABLES Beets Carrots Corn Potatoes, white Potatoes, sweet Yams BEEF Brisket Liver Other fatty cuts Rib steaks POULTRY Chicken, wings and legs Duck Goose Poultry products, processed PORK Honey-baked ham VEAL Breast FRUIT Avoid ALL fruits and fruit juices in Phase 1, including: Apples Apricots Berries Cantaloupe Grapefruit Peaches Pears

DAIRY 1/2 cup of plain fat-free yogurt (once per day max.) Fat Free 1/2 & 1/2, Nonfat milk, 1% milk, Soy milk allowed with coffee. Otherwise avoid all other dairy products (unless listed under protein choices or sweet treats). Limit to < 2 TBS per cup of coffee. Otherwise, avoid all milk products in Phase 1, including: Yogurt, cup-style and frozen Ice cream Milk, low-fat, fat-free, whole Milk, soy STARCHES AND CARBS Avoid ALL starchy food in Phase 1, including: Bread, all types Cereal Croutons, all types Matzo Oatmeal Rice, all types Pasta, all types Pastry and baked goods, all types CHEESE Brie Edam Non-reduced fat MISCELLANEOUS Alcohol of any kind, including beer and wine No regular ketchup or cocktail sauce No pork rinds - too high in saturated fat No jerky - too high in sugar content Limit Caffeine-Containing Beverages to 1-2 servings per day

Illustration of Carbohydrates in Foods

High GI foods = 70-100
Intermediate GI foods = 56-69
Low GI foods = 0-55

Food Carbohydrates (gm)	Available Carb per Serving	Glycemic Index	Glycemic Load	Carb Calories per Serving
		HIGH
Baked potato, Russet, baked without fat ( 1 small potato, 5 oz.)	30	85	26	120
Waffles, Aunt Jemima (1 piece)	13	76	10	52
Gatorade (1 cup)	15	78	12	60
Grapenuts (approx. 1 cup, Kraft)	22	75	16	88
Bread, whole wheat (1 slice)	13	71	9	52
Bread, white (1 slice)	14	73	10	56
Bagel, (white, frozen)	35	72	25	140
Stuffing ( approx. 1 cup)	21	74	16	84
Graham wafers (approx. 1 cup)	18	74	14	72
Grapenuts (approx. 1 cup, Kraft)	22	75	16	44
Shredded wheat (1 oz. serving)	20	75	15	80
Total (1 oz. serving, General Mills)	22	76	17	88
Cream of Wheat (1 oz. serving, instant, Nabisco)	30	74	22	120
		INTERMEDIATE
Spaghetti, (plain, cooked, 3/4 cup)	44	61	48	176
Rice (brown, cooked, 3/4 cup)	38	60	23	152
Raisin bran (1 oz. serving, Kellogg's)	19	61	12	76
Oatmeal (1 cup)	26	66	17	104
Bran muffin (large)	24	60	15	96
Green pea soup (1 cup)	41	66	27	124
Ice cream, regular(1/2 cup)	13	61	8	52
Blueberry muffin (1)	29	59	17	116
Raisins (1/4 cup)	45	56	25	180
Powerbar, chocolate	26	56	17	104
		LOW
Apple	16	34	5	64
Orange	11	42	5	44
Banana	24	52	12	96
Grapes (1 cup)	18	46	8	72
Carrot (raw, 1 medium)	6	47	3	36
Sweet corn (1/2 cup	17	54	9	68
Bread, 100% whole grain (1 slice)	13	51	7	52
Dried apricots (1/4 cup)	28	31	9	82
Peas (1/2 cup)	7	48	3	28
Orange juice (3/4 cup, 6 oz.)	23	52	12	92
Fruit yogurt (reduced fat, 3/4 cup)	24	27	7	96
Tomato soup (1 cup)	17	38	6	68
Skim milk (1 cup)	13	32	4	52
Baked beans (1/2 cup)	15	48	7	60
Lentils (1/2 cup)	18	29	5	76
Kidney beans (1/2 cup)	25	28	7	100
Lima beans (1/2 cup, baby, frozen)	30	32	10	120
Garbanzo beans (1/2 cup)	30	28	8	120

Bump ahead??

Every time I see this sign it makes me hopeful. I don't know if it will be tomorrow, next week, next month or even next year, but I know it will happen. 

Claim it, Declare it, it will be!!



 

Ups and Downs

The ups and downs of my chart that is.

I got excited to see a huge temp spike, only to see it drop this morning.  I can't believe after only two weeks I could even begin to think that I might have a regular cycle and that the Metformin was actually working, but sadly it was just a fluke, and it must have been warm in the bedroom.

Why can't my body just work like most people?


My Ovulation Chart

Letter to my Mom

Dear Mom,

This is the 1st year without you and I just wanted to say I love you. I wanted you to know how much I miss you everyday and how much I wish you could be with me on my own journey to become a mother.  There is so much I want to ask you, so much I want to know.

Over the years you've taught me so much, you taught me to "knit" and when I say knit I mean that stitch and only stitch. When I saw this card below I thought of you.  Because every time that I pick up those needles and knit a stitch it's because you taught me how to.

I love you, Happy Mother's Day.

Mother's Day Poem for the Infertile

“Happy Mother's Day”
it comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

MRI = No Fun

Went to have an MRI to check my Pituitary gland tonight to see if it was ok, and if it was the reason for the raised prolactin levels. I never want to do that again.  It really SUCKED it's something I don't want to do ever, ever again.

I got to my appointment at 4:15pm and they told me it should take about 45 minutes.  I filled out paperwork and in we went.  They needed to put an IV in so they could do the contrast dye so they could get a good picture of my brain (yes it's there, they found it) I had two techs try to find a vein and they weren't having a lot of luck, so they finally got a nurse to come in and look.  They found one, in the worst spot possible right in the middle of the back of my left arm...ouch

They took me into the little room gave me earplugs and put me on the little bed to roll me into the MRI machine, the tech told me I had to stay perfectly still so they could get a good image, apparently I didn't, but then again every time the machine would vibrate my entire body would go into spasm.   I thought I was going to have some sort of attack...really not a fan.  But 1/2 way though the test they came over the speaker and said "ok you're going to feel the contrast go into your arm now" and again, not a fan, it was hot and burned and felt funky.

So they continued the test and finally when it was over they rolled me out, I did tell the nurse I never wanted to do that again...EVER I was so weak and shakey and was just had a feeling of being dazed and confused.  It took a couple of hours but the feeling finally wore off.

I'm so happy it is over and I'm one day closer to being a MOM.

I found this story on Resolve website about the cost of infertility and it really hit home.

The Costs of Infertility Treatment

While medical staff expertise and clinic success rates, reputation and location will most likely be the criteria you use to choose an infertility clinic, cost may also be a factor. Since most assisted reproductive technologies (ART) are not covered by insurance, the patient has to pay “out-of-pocket,” often leading to increased stress as well as long-term financial burdens. 

Trying to find the costs associated with infertility treatment can be frustrating. RESOLVE sought cost information from more than 30 clinics across the country. Most clinic websites do not list pricing; in fact, the financial information on most clinic websites deals primarily with insurance issues, not treatment cost or payment terms. Some clinics have relationships with financing organizations such as Advanced Reproductive Care (ARC) or IntegraMed, (see “Infertility Financing Programs"), and include links to those services on their websites, but offer little information about the actual cost of treatment. 

The American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) lists the average price of an in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle in the U.S. to be $12,400. (ASRM does not qualify if this includes medications.) We sought to find the price of intrauterine insemination (IUI), one IVF cycle using fresh embryos, and the additional charges for intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) and preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) (where offered) from a cross section of clinics throughout the U.S. We called and e-mailed clinics that did not list prices on their websites, and discovered that some clinics generally do not give cost information over the phone (but they did for this story). When clinics do list the prices on their website, the information is clear and easy to understand, without many exclusions or disclaimers. RESOLVE encourages all clinics to post updated pricing on their websites. 

• Average cost of an IUI cycle: $865; Median Cost: $350
• Average Cost of an IVF cycle using fresh embryos (not including medications): $8,158; Median Cost: $7,500
• Average additional cost of ICSI procedure:$1,544; Median Cost: $1,500
• Average additional cost of PGD procedure: $3,550; Median Cost: $3,200
  (Note: Medications for IVF are $3,000 $5,000 per fresh cycle on average.)

Several interesting trends in clinic pricing have surfaced:

• In areas with few infertility clinics, prices, on average, are higher
• High cost of living does not equate to high treatment costs
• IUI prices ranged from $275 to $2,457—a huge differential. Some prices quoted include medications, blood work and sonograms; others do not—hence the huge price differential.
• ICSI prices across the country are within $500 of each other—$1,000 to $1,500.

Conclusion
Patients seeking ART such as IVF should choose their physician carefully and weigh a number of factors. If cost is a factor in your decision making, ask the clinic for a detailed list of procedures and corresponding costs, and follow up with these questions:

• Are medications, tests, lab work and consultations included in the cost of treatment?
• Does the clinic provide financial counseling and psychological counseling? If so, are there fees for these services?
• Since most patients do not have insurance coverage for infertility treatment, knowing the costs up front makes good financial sense.

Here is my take on the cost of infertility.

I think it's a huge emotional cost on a marriage, its hard, it's taxing, it's so many emotions at once. Like today's little debacle. He was so upset and heart broken, not that that fact that he couldn't leave his little donation, but the fact that he was letting me down.

I felt so bad for him, and all I wanted to do was go to him and give him a huge hug and I couldn't

I hate what this has done to us, I hate the fact that I can't give him a child, I hate my body, I hate everything about IF

He sent me a text when he was at the REs office and said you wanna know the ? of the day. I asked what? He said one of the things he had to fill out was have you ever father a child his answer was yeah 1998. And there was nothing I could do about that either. I'm sure that had to kill him.

Let's talk

It's all about the numbers

I'm writing this down so I don't forget them and doing it when they're fresh in my mind is the best thing.

AMH .984

2 Hour GTT

Fasting - 116
1/2 Hour - 205
1 Hour - 205
2 Hour - 110

Prolactin 35

FSH 2.5

Blood Pressure 118/66

Cholesterol 148
HDL 48

Do I, or Don't I have it...

And the answer is....I DO!!

PCOS-IR that is.

After 22 vials of blood, a full panel of questions and an internal ultrasound I finally have a diagnosis and a plan. My RE said I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and Metabolic Syndrome and possibly hyperprolactinenmia which can be caused by the PCOS but the RE wants to rule it out with an MRI of my brain to check my pituitary gland, to make sure there isn't a tumor.

 The doctor wasn't overly concerned with the elevated prolactin levels she just wanted a baseline to check it in the future, she said she wouldn't even treat it at this point. But better safe than sorry right.

Now the plan to get me pregnant is first to put me on Metformin for three months to see how it works or if it works then if that doesn't work we try a few cycles of Clomid and timed intercourse, then 2 rounds of Clomid with IUIs and then she suggested because of my age not doing injectables and going right to IVF if nothing else works, but I'm really hoping it doesn't go that far, because that means we will have been trying yet another year.

It was all very hard to hear today and very hard to take in, but I did, and I know we have a plan and I will be a Mom.

Testing...testing, can anyone hear me.

Apparently when they put you though the full range of IF testing, they take lots and lots of blood.  And when I say lots and lots I mean they took a grand total of 22 vials out of my two arms.

I would have sworn there were vampires in the lab if I didn't know any better.

And to make matters worse, I get a call from my RE yesterday she wanted to run one more test because my prolactin levels were a little elevated.  The nurse said it was nothing to be alarmed by, but she thought maybe I wasn't fasting (which I was) or maybe that could be an issue, so back to the lab we go.  I really hope I have some blood left to take.

And in case you were wondering, I'm not the only one going through testing. "D" gets to have a little blood work done and lucky him they only took 4 vials.  But he gets to make the ultimate donation of a sperm sample because they have to do a semen analysis to check to make sure he's got some good swimmers, personally I'm praying for the Michael Phelps of sperm.

If at first you don't succeed...

Try and try again.

And try and try and try we did.  But nothing seemed to be working, I've always had some longer than usual cycles but over the last couple of years they were getting worse and worse.  I went to my OB/GYN for my annual visit and he did an ultrasound and all kinds of blood work, they were trying to rule out PCOS or polycystic ovary syndrome, and between the blood work and the ultrasound they did manage to rule it out.


But that still didn't solve my problem or answer any of my questions, why did I have these long cycles and why after almost three years am I not pregnant.


I still wasn't real happy with the answers that I got, so I went to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and the appointment went great she went over all the blood work already drawn and she did a t/v ultrasound, yet again violated, but it wasn’t so bad, she was playing hide and seek with my ovaries.

She also think my fertility issues are not caused by PCOS but are caused by weight issues, weight issues that I've suffered with all of my life.  Apparently I’m too girly I make too much estrogen so it causes the fat cells to build up in the estrogen and save it for later, so no matter how much diet and exercise I do, probably not going to get rid of it, but she was happy to hear that I was doing South Beach. So it’s really not my fault I’m fat, I have an excuse, which was such a good thing to hear, other then just you're fat you should diet.

Depending on what the blood works says she wants to put me on Metformin  she thinks that will help break it down the estrogen and regulate me, she thinks this is the cause of my issues and that I’m not actually ovulating…kinda helps to ovulate to get pregnant huh?? She’s going to try that for 3 or 4 months and then if that doesn’t work then she’s going to try some clomid but she’s confident that she can help me.

I'm so happy that I went to see her.

First comes love...

Then come marriage, and then comes the wait for the baby carriage, and wait is what we did.

It's been a long wait for something that we both wanted so much, we pretty much had names picked out even before we got married, and now over three years later that baby carriage is still empty.

This is our journey to start our little flock, after a few appointments, vials and vials of blood drawn, I want to be able to look back at this when I have our little miracle, and see how it was all worth it.

TTC FYI: YKWIM

Sometimes all the acronyms can get so confusing.  And if you're wondering what that jumble on the top of the title was here is a list  of everything you need to know.  I will try not to write in code (too much) but I can't guarantee anything.

#
2WW - Two-week wait until time to take pregnancy test (approximately 14 days after ovulation)

A
AE – Alter Ego
AF - Aunt Flo (menstruation)
AI - Artificial Insemination
AMA - Advanced maternal age
AO - Anovulatory
AP - Adoption Process
AR - Assisted Reproduction
ART - Assisted Reproductive Technology
AW - Attention whore

B
BBs - Breasts
BC - Birth Control
BCP - Birth Control Pills
BBT - Basal Body Temperature
BD - Baby Dance (baby making sex)
BF or BF'ing - Breastfeeding
BFN or BF0 - Big Fat Negative (home pregnancy test result)
BFP - Big Fat Positive (home pregnancy test result)
BIL - Brother-in-Law
BIO - The Nest Baby Community Bio
BM - Bowel Movement or Breast Milk
BOTB - Baby on the Brain (The Nest message board)
BR – Baby Related
BRU - Babies R Us Store
BSC - Bat Sh*t Crazy
BTW - By the way
BW or B/W - Blood Work

C
C&P – Copy and Paste
CB - Cycle Buddy
CBEFM - Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor
CCT – Clomid Challenge Test
CD - Cycle day
CDs - Cloth Diapers
CF - Cervical fluid
CIO - Cry It Out
CL - Corpus Luteum
CM - Cervical Mucus
CNM - Certified Nurse Midwife
Colpo - Colposcopy
CP - Cervical position
CVS - Chorionic Villae Sampling

D
D&C - Dilation & Curettage
DC - Dear/Darling Child
DD - Dear/Darling Daughter or Designated Driver
DD - Dirty Delete (a post) - try not to do this
DE - Donor Eggs
D&E - Dilation & Evacuation
DH - Dear/Darling Husband
DI - Donor Insemination
DOR - Diminished Ovarian Reserve
DPO - Days past ovulation
DPR = Days Post-Retrieval (eggs)
DPT = Days Post-Transfer
DS - Dear/Darling Son
DTD – Doing the Deed (non-baby related sex)

E
E2 - Estradiol
EBF - Exclusively Breastfed
EBM - Expressed Breast Milk
EDD - Estimated Due Date
EFF - Exclusively Formula Fed
ENDO - Endometriosis
EP - Exclusively Pump
EPT - Early Pregnancy Test
ER - Emergency Room
ET - Embryo Transfer
ETA - Edit to The Above
EWCM - Egg White Cervical Mucus

F
FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer
FF or FF'ing - Formula Feeding
FFFC - Flame-Free Friday Confession
FFS - For F*uck Sake
FIL – Father in Law
FM - Fertility Monitor
FWP - F* With Purpose (baby making sex)
FMU - First morning urine
FP - Follicular Phase
FRER - First Response Early Response
FSH - Follicle Stimulating Hormone
FTR - For the Record
FTTA - Fertile Thoughts To All
F/U – Follow Up
FWIW – For What It’s Worth

G
G2G – as an alternative for GTG
GB - God Bless
GBCN - Good Bye Cruel Nest
GBY - God Bless You
GF - Girlfriend
GMA - Geriatric Maternal Age
GP - General Practitioner
GTG – Nestie get together
GTKYT - Get To Know You Thursday (theme day)

H
HCG - Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
H&H - Happy and Healthy
H&H9M – Happy and Healthy nine months
HOM - High Order Multiples
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
HRT - Hormone Replacement Therapy
HSC - Hysteroscopy
HSG – Hysterosalpingogram
HTH – Hope That Helps

I
IB - Implantation Bleeding
IC - Incompetent Cervix
IBS - Irritable Bowel Syndrome
ICSI - Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection
IDK - I Don't Know
IF - Infertility
IHO – In honor of
IIRC – if I remember correctly
IL’s – In-laws
IM – Intramuscular Injections
IMO – in my opinion
IMHO - In my humble opinion
IMNSHO – in my not so humble opinion
IR- Insulin Resistant
IRL - In Real Life
ITA – I totally agree
IUI - Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization

J
JK - just kidding
JMHO - Just My Humble Opinion
JMO - just my opinion


K
KU - Knocked Up
KWIM - Know What I Mean

L
LAP - Laparoscopy
LH - Luteinizing Hormone
LIP – Link in Post
LMAO -  laughing my ass off
LMFAO - laughing my fat ass off
LMP - Last Menstrual Period
LO - Little One
LOL - Laughing Out loud
LP - Luteal phase
LPD - Luteal Phase Defect
LTD – Long Term Disability

M
MC - Miscarriage
MF or MFI - Male Factor Infertility
MIL – Mother in Law
M/S or MS - Morning Sickness
MUD – Made up Drama

N
NAK - Nursing at the Keyboard
NBR - Not Baby Related
NFO - Not Finding Out (gender)
NFP - Natural Family Planning
NFT – No Further Text or thoughts
NIP - Nursing In Public
NL – Normal
NMS – Not my style
NP - Nurse Practitioner
NTD - Neural Tube Defect
NWT - New With Tag

O
O - Ovulation
OB - Obstetrician
OB/GYN - Obstetrician/Gynecologist
OC - Oral Contraceptives
OHSS - Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
OOT – Out of town
OPK - Ovulation Predictor Kit
OPT - Ovulation Predictor Test
OTC - Over-the-counter
OTOH - On The Other Hand
OV - Ovulation
OWT - Old Wives Tale

P
P4 - Progesterone
PA - Physician's Assistant
PC - Post-Coital (after sex)
PCO, PCOD - Polycystic Ovary Disease
PCOS (POS) - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
PCP - Primary Care Physician
PCT - Post-Coital Test
PG - Pregnancy or Pregnant
PH - Puffy Heart
PI - Primary Infertility
PIAC - Pee In A cup
PIB – Picture in Bio
PID - Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
PIH - Pregnancy Induced Hypertension
PIO – Progesterone in Oil
PIP – Picture in post
PIT – Pitocin
PITA - Pain in the Ass
PM – Private Message
PMS - Premenstrual Syndrome
PNV - Prenatal vitamin
POAS - Pee On A Stick
POF – Premature Ovarian Failure
POMF - Pee on My Fingers
Pough - Pee+Cough
POTW - Picture of The Week
PP - Previous Poster or PostPartum
PPH - Pink Puffy Heart Or Purple Puffy Heart
PR - Pregnancy Related
PROM - Premature Rupture of Membranes
PSA – Public service announcement
PTL - Preterm labor
PW – Posting Whore
PZ - PregnantZilla (self-centered pregnant woman)

R
RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist
ROTFL - Rolling on the floor laughing
RP - Repost
RPL - Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
RSA - Recurrent Spontaneous Abortion
Rx - Prescription

S
S/A - Sperm/semen analysis
SA – Semen Analysis
SAHD - Stay At Home Dad
SAHM - Stay At Home Mom
SAHW - Stay At Home Wife
SAIFW - Success After InFertility Welcome
SFL - Save For Later
SHG - Sonohysterogram
SI - Secondary Infertility
SIL – Sister in Law
SN – Screen Name
Sniss - Sneeze+pee
SO – Significant Other
S/O – Spin Off or Speaking Of
SonoHSG - Sonohysterogram
STD - Short Term Disability
STFU - Shut The F*ck Up

T
TCOYF - Taking Charge of Your Fertility (book)
TIA – Thanks in Advance
TL - Tubal Ligation
TMI - To Much Information
TR - Tubal Reversal
TRH - Thyroid Releasing Hormone                    
TSH - Thyroid Stimulating Hormone
TTA - Trying to Avoid
TTC - Trying To Conceive
TX – Treatment
TY – Thank you

U
UC - Unassisted Childbirth
US or u/s - Ultrasound
UTI - Urinary Tract Infection

V
V - Vasectomy
VBAC - Vaginal birth after caesarian
VR - Vasectomy Reversal

W
WAHM/D - Work at home mom/dad
WBC - White Blood Cells
WDYT – What do you think?
WOHM/D - Work outside home mom/dad
WTEWE - What to Expect When You're Expecting (book)
WTEBE – What to Expect Before You’re Expecting (book)
WWYD – What would you do?

X
XH – Ex-Husband
XP – cut and paste or Cross Post

Y
YGM - you've got mail
YGPM - you've got private message
YI - Yeast infection
YKWIM - You Know What I Mean
YWIA - you're welcome in advance