Rough days

You never know what will set them off.  You never know when they will strike but when they do watch out. Today's rough day was brought on by a pregnancy announcement and some solitary confinement so I'm alone with my own thoughts (never a good thing).  This is D's first week working 3rd shift so he went to bed at 2pm so I'm by myself again alone with my thoughts.

So today I'm thinking about why and how our family hasn't grown, and what can be done about that.  Since we know I can't have children the old fashion way and we have no insurance to pay for IVF that means adoption is our only option.

I've talked about adoption before and we do know this is the only option we have at growing our family, but lately I've been struggling with the decision.  Since we don't have the money to adopt through a private agency we thought the Foster/Adopt process through the State would be the way to go.  It is little to no cost out of pocket, we just have to pay for a few things.

But with this process the things that are the hardest for me are all the things you go through, the background checks, the social worker visits, the psychological evaluations, letters of reference and not to mention the millions of forms to be filled out and notarized in triplicate.  Why do we have to go through all of this just go have a child?  There are so many parents that are horrible people, abusive, drug addicts, all in all just bad people.  Why don't they have to jump through hoops to have children?  Why do they get to have a family?  Why do we have to go through the struggle?  Why don't we get to have a family the traditional way?

And the hardest thing for me right at the moment with the whole adoption process though the state is the children come from DCF from homes that the children have been taken from because either the parents are not fit to be parents or they've given up these children because they don't want them.

So why do we get a child that isn't wanted, a child that is basically being thrown away?  Don't we deserve something other than a child that has been discarded?  A child that is damaged and just neglected?  I know these children need love too, but why can't we have what we wanted and not what someone else does not?

This is my biggest struggle and I know I have to find away to get over this because once we have a child we will love it unconditionally.  Just right at the moment I'm having a hard time with this one.

I JUST WANT A FAMILY!!  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

Bitter, Bitchy and Broken

I'm bitter and bitchy because all around me are women who are pregnant and getting pregnant everyday.  They're able to achieve the one thing that I cannot seem to do because I am broken in more ways than one.

The thing that is the hardest for me is knowing once we start the adoption process there are so many things we have to do before we can even think about bringing home a child.

1. We start background checks to make sure we are good people.
2. We go through a 10 week training program to teach us to be good parents
3. We have to have a psychological profile done to make sure we're sane and in have a good relationship.

All things these things need to be done before we can even be considered for child.  So how is possible people who are in horrible marriages and think a child will "fix" it are able to have children?  People who are terrible parents and mistreat and neglect their children are able to have children?  And finally people are so insecure about their own self and their own well being are able to have children?

This is what makes this whole process so difficult for me, we are a happily married loving couple who would do anything to become a family, so why, why do we have to go through this?  Oh yeah because I'm broken, because the little critter in my head does on allow my ovaries to work, because we don't have the money to pay for IVF and we have no infertility coverage.

These are the reasons we are a family of two and trying to become a family of three.  These are the reasons that I cannot give my husband he longs for.  These are the reasons that keep me awake a night, and in tears more times that I would like to admit.  I know I won't always feel this way, but right now it's what controls my thoughts and is the constant in my life.  

Maybe one day it won't.

Holiday woes

The holidays are always hard when you're dealing with IF, but I never thought the 4th of July would be one of those holidays.  The 4th of July is the day to celebrate the birth of America and our own Independence.

But it's also a day that people spend with families and babies and having fun at cookouts and parties.  We had our own little cookout a cookout for two, which really isn't the same.  We went grocery shopping today, we had a nice day but there is still something that is missing, the other part of our family is missing.  Hearing stories of family get together's and seeing pictures are harder than they should be.

When are we going to have our family picnic?  When is our family party?