Emotions

I found a positive pregnancy test that must have dropped behind my desk, and to see those 2 lines was really hard.  I thought I had tossed them all but when you're saving 30 pee sticks it gets hard to keep track of them.

I should be 6W+4 today but instead I'm trying to figure out how to pay for another cycle.  Anyone have $10k they're not using?

It's over

From being hopeful to hopeless in one feel swoop.

A few short days ago I was filled with hope there was a child growing inside of me it had happened,  I was finally going to get what I always wanted,  I was going to be a Mom.  I was going to give my husband what he wanted,  the chance to be a father again,  but now those dreams are gone.

I finally saw that elusive second line but now  that line has faded right along with my dreams of motherhood. Also faded are all of my symptoms, the bloat,  the naseuea and the boobs that were so sore I couldn't stand it but right now I would give anything to have those unpleasantries back. 

FML

The roller coaster from hell continues.  2 lines on a test,  cramps and bright red blood.  I'm waiting on a call back from the nurse line.

Stark White!

Stark Fucking White!

I really thought we had it,  I really thought this worked.

This had been a roller coaster of a 2WW crazy symptoms,  bloat, cramps, nausea followed up with the worst dye run/evap on the face of the earth.   That gave me a BFP on 8DPO to a few squinters that liked promising but I think it was just trigger leftovers.   To this bad boy right here!

I'm broken in every sense of the word both physically and emotionally.  I hate my body, I hate the little critter for not being able to do the one thing it should.  Mostly I hate that I can't give my husband what he wants most in life.

Bye bye trigger

It's a sad day, the trigger had run its course and now is almost completely out of my system.

The IC is almost stark white and now all of my symptoms are gone.

The bloat that's been there for the last few days is gone as well as my nipples of fire.  Please dear God let them come back in the next few days.

Testing

Why did I think testing out the trigger would be a good thing.   It's almost as bad as chart stalking and over analyzing. 3PO

Pull that trigger!

Well I'm not so sure about pulling but shooting for sure.  I went in this morning for my ultrasound and blood work and guess what, we've got some biguns!  The doctor saw 1 large follie on the right measuring 15x13 and 3 on the left 1 at 13x14 1 at 17x15 and HOLY HELL a 22x17!

It only took 17 days of stimming but the E2 levels are up which I will agree with the blood work because I've got some nipples of fire going on so this afternoon we triggered.

I will say the giant needle scared me but I'm a pro at mixing meds and drawing them in so that was easy enough to do and D was a trooper even though he didn't want to stab me he did right in the left cheek and honestly it I didn't even know he did it at first.

So now we wait, I bought a pack of 50 ICs and we're going to test out that trigger and I have to call into the office on July 4th with the results of a pregnancy test.

My mother's birthday would have been July 2nd so I'm praying that on her birthday I can tell her she's going to be a Grandma.

Shooting up sucks

I have no issues with the Gonal F pens, they're easy, quick and super simple to use.   The Menopur on the other hand is a giant pain in the ass...well stomach.  

150iu of Menopur equals 4 vials, 2 needles, mixing and drawing and sticking twice.  I miss the pens.

But on a positive note it finally seems to be working,  I've got 3 follies over 10 1 was 15, one 13, one 12.  Hopefully in the next few days well be able to trigger.

Frustration is my middle name.

CD11 and still no real movement.   We've upped my meds to andstarted 150iu of Menopur twice a day. 

I can't help but to be frustrated and upset,  I know it's a challenge but still I don't know how much more I can take. 

Getting frustrated

Today is CD 8 of this cycle and still no real news.

I did find out today that my E2 levels are still really low but the follies are on the cusp?  Whatever that means...on the cusp of what growing, death, movement, revolt?

Still 10 follies all under 10mm but growing, I guess at this point a little growth is good.  I hate the uncertainty that this brings, the ups and downs of this process.

All I want is a healthy baby in my arms which are now bruised from all the pokes and prodding...well we won't talk about prodding now will we.

The other thing we probably shouldn't talk about is all the bloat my stomach feels 10 times bigger than it actually is and D actually commented and wondered if my boobs were getting bigger.

BTW do you like my new BFF? 

Back at it again.

CD 5 and another blood draw and another U/S and not much progress.  They found a total of 10 follies, 6 on the left and 4 on the right all really really small.

So today we upped the Gonal F to 150iu twice a day and hoped for some growth.  My E2 levels are still really low but the lining is getting thick, so I think that's a plus right?

CD 3-ish

Another monitoring appointment today.  I swear they need new nurses drawing blood.

I love the blood draw station at LW but the nurses in the office I swear can't find a vein to save their lives.

First encounter with my BFF the U/S machine, I hate the fact that my ovaries like to play hide and seek and I think they go digging in my throat to find them.  They finally did see them and nothing, apparently I'm a slow responder.

I've been keeping a little secret.

We're actually cycling!

It's been 3 long years of testing, waiting, hoping, praying, crying.

Baseline blood draw and the numbers look good.

E2 levels are low so it's time to start 112.5iu of Gonal F twice a day.