It's official

I talked to our HR department and found out even with the CT State Fertility Insurance Mandate we are still not covered for treatment.

I don't get it...it's MANDATED!!  How do you say no, but since they are "self-insured"  they don't have to follow the mandate.  So basically unless D gets a job in the next 3 months with day one coverage and fertility treatment a biological child is not in our future.  As I've said before with the debt from surgery there is no way to afford IVF we just don't have $11k.

I think the hardest thing is knowing that I won't be able to look my child in the eyes and see a part of me, see a part of my husband.  Right now without the money for treatment our only option is state adoption which could take years and years.  I know if we do adopt I will love that child more than anything else but now it's just so hard to mourn the loss of a child that never existed or will exist.

Broken. In more ways than one.

My RE's office call me today to tell me that my insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments. Which I really don't get because my state has a mandate that makes fertility coverage mandatory for anyone in the state.  The only requirements that the state has is the company has to have more than 50 people (my company has 750) or if the company has any sort of religious background, yeah not so much.

When I talked to the office to ask about options they told me I could do the self pay option, which really isn't an option.  The cost is $750 per monitoring appointment and $650 for the IUI, the doctor told me that I would need to come every other day for about 2 weeks to check on progress, it may be less or more depending on how I respond to the drugs. The cost of the drugs are $80.00 a day again for about 2 weeks depending on how I respond, but she thought two weeks for sure.

So all together were looking at approx $13k for something that may or may not work and I’m not ok with those odds. The only reason we were going to try this before jumping to IVF was I wanted to see if I would respond, it was basically a throw away cycle and I wasn’t ready to give up and jump right to IVF.  I really wish we could afford all of this but right now I'm already about $30k in debt from brain surgery, so I don't think I can afford this on top of that, actually I know I can't afford this.

Hindsight now I should have just froze my eggs before the surgery that would have been paid for by the insurance, but again at that point I wasn’t ready to give up hope that I could be lucky enough to have a baby on my own.

I think the hardest thing about it, this is something that has been consuming my every thought for the past 3 years, with tests and doctors visits and so on and so on, poked and prodded all for the sake of something that will never happen now.  Something we both want so much we talk about every day we dreamed and planned picked out names and how we would raise a child.

I spent my day at work sitting at my desk in tears mourning the loss of a biological child that never will be.  FU IF!!

Bitter and Baren. IF SUCKS!!

Today I spent two hours of my life I’m never getting back….and $50

It was possibly the worst doctor’s appointment every. I went in to discuss some options, was in the waiting room for 1/2 hour and then she ran though about 20 scenarios what we were going to do and try and see if it works. We decided to try an IUI cycle with injectible meds.  The RE isn't sure what the meds are going to do, she wants to start me on a low dose and see what happens.  She said expect to stim for "a while" typically I think people stim for 5-7 days and she was talking about starting the low does for 7-10 days and then up the dose.  Since my hormone levels are so screwed up she has no clue what is going to happen or how the stims are going to work.

While this is all happening D is sitting there basically dumbfounded and I felt so bad for him because the RE didn’t even really talk to him, she kinda talked around him. He’s already not feeling the best and this may have pushed him over the edge.  Plus the fact he’s dealing with the same stress about having a child that I am, anytime he sees another picture or announcement it hurts him just as much as it hurts me. And not to mention he’s not really happy about using a little modern medicine he wants it to happen the old fashion way. Which of course with my issues can’t happen and that makes me feel like crap because I can’t give him what he wants.

Tonight when I came home from work it didn't get any better and the fact that I actually had time to think and not just focus on work the tears just flowed.  D and I talked everything out and we had a good long discussion and fought a little and cried together.  But I think we managed to come to a mutual decision.

I really hate the feelings that come with IF. I still feel like it's my fault and that my husband still resents me, but this is just my inner demons coming out.