Bitter and Baren. IF SUCKS!!

Today I spent two hours of my life I’m never getting back….and $50

It was possibly the worst doctor’s appointment every. I went in to discuss some options, was in the waiting room for 1/2 hour and then she ran though about 20 scenarios what we were going to do and try and see if it works. We decided to try an IUI cycle with injectible meds.  The RE isn't sure what the meds are going to do, she wants to start me on a low dose and see what happens.  She said expect to stim for "a while" typically I think people stim for 5-7 days and she was talking about starting the low does for 7-10 days and then up the dose.  Since my hormone levels are so screwed up she has no clue what is going to happen or how the stims are going to work.

While this is all happening D is sitting there basically dumbfounded and I felt so bad for him because the RE didn’t even really talk to him, she kinda talked around him. He’s already not feeling the best and this may have pushed him over the edge.  Plus the fact he’s dealing with the same stress about having a child that I am, anytime he sees another picture or announcement it hurts him just as much as it hurts me. And not to mention he’s not really happy about using a little modern medicine he wants it to happen the old fashion way. Which of course with my issues can’t happen and that makes me feel like crap because I can’t give him what he wants.

Tonight when I came home from work it didn't get any better and the fact that I actually had time to think and not just focus on work the tears just flowed.  D and I talked everything out and we had a good long discussion and fought a little and cried together.  But I think we managed to come to a mutual decision.

I really hate the feelings that come with IF. I still feel like it's my fault and that my husband still resents me, but this is just my inner demons coming out.