Broken. In more ways than one.

My RE's office call me today to tell me that my insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments. Which I really don't get because my state has a mandate that makes fertility coverage mandatory for anyone in the state.  The only requirements that the state has is the company has to have more than 50 people (my company has 750) or if the company has any sort of religious background, yeah not so much.

When I talked to the office to ask about options they told me I could do the self pay option, which really isn't an option.  The cost is $750 per monitoring appointment and $650 for the IUI, the doctor told me that I would need to come every other day for about 2 weeks to check on progress, it may be less or more depending on how I respond to the drugs. The cost of the drugs are $80.00 a day again for about 2 weeks depending on how I respond, but she thought two weeks for sure.

So all together were looking at approx $13k for something that may or may not work and I’m not ok with those odds. The only reason we were going to try this before jumping to IVF was I wanted to see if I would respond, it was basically a throw away cycle and I wasn’t ready to give up and jump right to IVF.  I really wish we could afford all of this but right now I'm already about $30k in debt from brain surgery, so I don't think I can afford this on top of that, actually I know I can't afford this.

Hindsight now I should have just froze my eggs before the surgery that would have been paid for by the insurance, but again at that point I wasn’t ready to give up hope that I could be lucky enough to have a baby on my own.

I think the hardest thing about it, this is something that has been consuming my every thought for the past 3 years, with tests and doctors visits and so on and so on, poked and prodded all for the sake of something that will never happen now.  Something we both want so much we talk about every day we dreamed and planned picked out names and how we would raise a child.

I spent my day at work sitting at my desk in tears mourning the loss of a biological child that never will be.  FU IF!!