Rough days

You never know what will set them off.  You never know when they will strike but when they do watch out. Today's rough day was brought on by a pregnancy announcement and some solitary confinement so I'm alone with my own thoughts (never a good thing).  This is D's first week working 3rd shift so he went to bed at 2pm so I'm by myself again alone with my thoughts.

So today I'm thinking about why and how our family hasn't grown, and what can be done about that.  Since we know I can't have children the old fashion way and we have no insurance to pay for IVF that means adoption is our only option.

I've talked about adoption before and we do know this is the only option we have at growing our family, but lately I've been struggling with the decision.  Since we don't have the money to adopt through a private agency we thought the Foster/Adopt process through the State would be the way to go.  It is little to no cost out of pocket, we just have to pay for a few things.

But with this process the things that are the hardest for me are all the things you go through, the background checks, the social worker visits, the psychological evaluations, letters of reference and not to mention the millions of forms to be filled out and notarized in triplicate.  Why do we have to go through all of this just go have a child?  There are so many parents that are horrible people, abusive, drug addicts, all in all just bad people.  Why don't they have to jump through hoops to have children?  Why do they get to have a family?  Why do we have to go through the struggle?  Why don't we get to have a family the traditional way?

And the hardest thing for me right at the moment with the whole adoption process though the state is the children come from DCF from homes that the children have been taken from because either the parents are not fit to be parents or they've given up these children because they don't want them.

So why do we get a child that isn't wanted, a child that is basically being thrown away?  Don't we deserve something other than a child that has been discarded?  A child that is damaged and just neglected?  I know these children need love too, but why can't we have what we wanted and not what someone else does not?

This is my biggest struggle and I know I have to find away to get over this because once we have a child we will love it unconditionally.  Just right at the moment I'm having a hard time with this one.

I JUST WANT A FAMILY!!  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?