It's official

I talked to our HR department and found out even with the CT State Fertility Insurance Mandate we are still not covered for treatment.

I don't get it...it's MANDATED!!  How do you say no, but since they are "self-insured"  they don't have to follow the mandate.  So basically unless D gets a job in the next 3 months with day one coverage and fertility treatment a biological child is not in our future.  As I've said before with the debt from surgery there is no way to afford IVF we just don't have $11k.

I think the hardest thing is knowing that I won't be able to look my child in the eyes and see a part of me, see a part of my husband.  Right now without the money for treatment our only option is state adoption which could take years and years.  I know if we do adopt I will love that child more than anything else but now it's just so hard to mourn the loss of a child that never existed or will exist.

Broken. In more ways than one.

My RE's office call me today to tell me that my insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments. Which I really don't get because my state has a mandate that makes fertility coverage mandatory for anyone in the state.  The only requirements that the state has is the company has to have more than 50 people (my company has 750) or if the company has any sort of religious background, yeah not so much.

When I talked to the office to ask about options they told me I could do the self pay option, which really isn't an option.  The cost is $750 per monitoring appointment and $650 for the IUI, the doctor told me that I would need to come every other day for about 2 weeks to check on progress, it may be less or more depending on how I respond to the drugs. The cost of the drugs are $80.00 a day again for about 2 weeks depending on how I respond, but she thought two weeks for sure.

So all together were looking at approx $13k for something that may or may not work and I’m not ok with those odds. The only reason we were going to try this before jumping to IVF was I wanted to see if I would respond, it was basically a throw away cycle and I wasn’t ready to give up and jump right to IVF.  I really wish we could afford all of this but right now I'm already about $30k in debt from brain surgery, so I don't think I can afford this on top of that, actually I know I can't afford this.

Hindsight now I should have just froze my eggs before the surgery that would have been paid for by the insurance, but again at that point I wasn’t ready to give up hope that I could be lucky enough to have a baby on my own.

I think the hardest thing about it, this is something that has been consuming my every thought for the past 3 years, with tests and doctors visits and so on and so on, poked and prodded all for the sake of something that will never happen now.  Something we both want so much we talk about every day we dreamed and planned picked out names and how we would raise a child.

I spent my day at work sitting at my desk in tears mourning the loss of a biological child that never will be.  FU IF!!

Bitter and Baren. IF SUCKS!!

Today I spent two hours of my life I’m never getting back….and $50

It was possibly the worst doctor’s appointment every. I went in to discuss some options, was in the waiting room for 1/2 hour and then she ran though about 20 scenarios what we were going to do and try and see if it works. We decided to try an IUI cycle with injectible meds.  The RE isn't sure what the meds are going to do, she wants to start me on a low dose and see what happens.  She said expect to stim for "a while" typically I think people stim for 5-7 days and she was talking about starting the low does for 7-10 days and then up the dose.  Since my hormone levels are so screwed up she has no clue what is going to happen or how the stims are going to work.

While this is all happening D is sitting there basically dumbfounded and I felt so bad for him because the RE didn’t even really talk to him, she kinda talked around him. He’s already not feeling the best and this may have pushed him over the edge.  Plus the fact he’s dealing with the same stress about having a child that I am, anytime he sees another picture or announcement it hurts him just as much as it hurts me. And not to mention he’s not really happy about using a little modern medicine he wants it to happen the old fashion way. Which of course with my issues can’t happen and that makes me feel like crap because I can’t give him what he wants.

Tonight when I came home from work it didn't get any better and the fact that I actually had time to think and not just focus on work the tears just flowed.  D and I talked everything out and we had a good long discussion and fought a little and cried together.  But I think we managed to come to a mutual decision.

I really hate the feelings that come with IF. I still feel like it's my fault and that my husband still resents me, but this is just my inner demons coming out.

Today was not a good one.

Today was an extremely difficult day for me, one year ago today I said goodbye to my mother.  One year ago was the last time I heard her voice, the last time I held her hand, the last time I got a hug and the very last time I kissed her head and said goodbye.

I wish she was here with me and by my side on this long journey, to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok, but she's not.

Each day in the past 365 was a little easier and easier, but it's still not right, it's still not perfect.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of her or miss her or wish she was with me.  But I find a way to go on with life since I know that's what she would want me to do.

I think he resents me.

I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I think my husband actually resents me. I know he hurts and I know he's sad all he says is I just want one healthy child.

And at this point I can't give him that, I can't do for him what I'm supposed to be able to do. I hate my body, because it doesn't work the way it should.  I cry because I can't get what I want, and I cry because I can't get him what he wants.

They say God won't give you more than you can handle or it was God's will.  But I can't believe that God would take a child away from one person and then not allow him to conceive another one.

Maybe a ray of light

D and I wanted to see his goddaughter today (she's 10) but sadly she went to her sisters house. But her mother was home and we had a long wonderful talk with her. I actually opened up to her and told her about all of my issues and she told us that we can adopt through the state and it's free the only thing you pay for is application fee and probate to change the child s name. She runs a medical foster home and has adopted many of her children included D's goddaughter. After we left the house we talked and decided we are going to start the process. We always said we wanted to adopt because of his goddaughter but didn't think we could because of the money issue. I'm still not giving up on a biological child just yet but there's still a little hope that we will have a child.

 

Surgery follow up and some crappy news.

Had my MRI (which sucked as usual) and follow up with Dr. S today, he was happy with how I was feeling and my energy levels and such. After looking at the scans he did say I lost some of the pituitary gland during surgery and there are a few tumor cells left, but the good news is they’re away from the optic chasm so it shouldn't mess with vision too much.

Next plan of action is 3 more MRIs over the next year and they’re going to watch the cells and see if they grow or shrink or whatever, if they do grow they will need to do what they call Gamma Knife surgery, but it’s outpatient and noninvasive radiation surgery. They basically take a laser and blast the remnants of the tumor away. I know I looked like a deer caught in headlights when he was telling me what was going on but after talking to him for a few minutes I realized it wasn't going to be that bad.

 Now for the crappy news, D got fired today They told him this was because of job abandonment since he didn't come in for two days even though he called in both days. I’m so upset right now I’m seeing red. The big issue is he carries our insurance, I can still take insurance from here because it would be a qualifying event but it’s so expensive and covers next to nothing. It’s going to cost about $500 a month plus the fact we’ll be short his paycheck, I don’t know what we’re going to do. Plus the fact now this seals the nail in the coffin at a chance of having a child. Because our insurance doesn't cover anything IF related, so that means IVF out of pocket. I know he’ll get unemployment but that’s only going to be about 200 a week, it’ll help but it’s not going to cover everything.

Why do I always end up in tears when I go home from the RE's office?

Today was the follow up with my RE after the gallons of blood they took. We have a plan but I'm not sure how good it is. Basically the plan at this point is an appointment with a High Risk OB/GYN to see if I can carry to term because pregnancy causes issues with the Pituitary, also at this point after the 2 hour GTT I am now pre-diabetic so she wants me to see another Endocrinologist to check out my other hormone levels and if GD may become an issue once I get pregnant.

So two more doctors visits and finally we can start treatment. She wanted me to jump right to IVF but I told her I didn't know if I was completely comfortable with that so I talked her into trying 1 round of injectables first. After talking it over she thought it was a good idea because that way we can see how or if I will respond at all to the medications and give us a good starting point for IVF. Since the pituitary is pretty much is shut down and my FSH levels are still really, really low she thinks it may be 8-10days of stims before we get anywhere.

The other big issue is we found out insurance covers 4 injectable cycles and 2 IVF cycles but we have a huge deductible to pay before we can do anything and it needs to be paid up front. But we need to do it before then end of August because at that point the IF coverage disappears and then we would be completely OOP for everything. What sucks is our deductible goes Jan/Jan so the clock just started again and it everything that we paid for surgery and all the testing doesn't get added in to this.

There are days I just want to give up but I know if I do I would wonder for the rest of my life what if.  I don't want a life of what if's.  I just want my family to be complete.

Another one bites the dust.

Another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust...A house that is.

I can't believe we lost another house at inspection.  But after talking it over with the realtor and reading the inspection report we thought the right thing to do was to walk away.  We figured with the upgrades that we wanted to do on the house and the repairs that needed to be made before we could even move in we were going to be looking at over $30,000.  With what we were offered for the house and the additional cost we would be pricing ourselves out of the neighborhood.

We didn't really want to be underwater before we moved in, to me it just didn't make sense.  When I finally talked to our realtor and told him I was actually pretty sad about it   I baked two dozen cupcakes and drowned my sorrows in double chocolate.

So now we're back on the hunt and I know the right house is out there we just have to find it.

Infertile Girl Problem: Bitter Betty

I hate the way I feel, I hate the fact that I'm not happy.  I hate the fact when I see other peoples children it hurts me.  I hate the fact that friends that met after D and I did are working on children #2 or #3.  I really want to be happy for them but I just can't.

I'm a good person, I try to put others before me, I try to help others and make sure everyone else is happy.

Why me?  Why now?  Why this challenge?

These are all questions that I can't answer, these are things I just don't know.

Where is my happy ending?

Another set back

I thought I was just going in to get a script for Provera and was going to try to talk to her about doing a Clomid cycle but she had other plans.

We start to chat and she asked me how I was feeling and how I was doing after surgery. She told me that she followed my case and talked to my neuro a few times and she thought he was wonderful, I said I felt the same way.   I told her I was feeling well and most all of the issues that happened after surgery were gone.  The headaches were starting to go away and the I was starting to go back to my normal day-to-day routine.  She was happy to hear that and she wanted to talk about a plan for moving forward.

She asked me when my last period was and of course I told her and she was a little concerned that I haven't had one since surgery.  We started to talk a little more and she said well I want to run the entire set of labs again and see what's going on after surgery and if my Pit Gland was working.

She also wanted to do an ultrasound and check my lining to see how thick it was and how my ovaries looked. After about 40 minutes in the room with her a med student and the dildo cam she said everything looked great.  She was a little surprised that my lining wasn't thick at all which was something she wasn't expecting to see she said it should be somewhere between 8mm-10mm (1cm) but it was only 6mm.  She doesn't want to do Provera right now she thinks we should wait because the lining was thin.

So I get dressed and she leaves to go review a few things. This is when it all went down hill...and fast.  She comes back and explains to me that after looking at the last set of blood work, my ovaries and my ute Clomid might not be an option for me, because what the Clomid does is it tricks your brain to produce estrogen and FSH to create a folice and make me ovulate, but there's a good possibility if the Pit isn't working after surgery the Clomid won't do what it's supposed to.  She also thinks the only real option might be is injectables and an IUI.

Right now to say I hate my brain is an understatement.  I hate the fact that I will never ovulate on my own and even after all that I've been through I may still never get the one thing that I want in life the most.  I cried most of the day was pretty weepy about the whole situation but the RE is still confident somehow someway I will get pregnant.

60 days post op

I made it, two months, 8 weeks, 60 days and I can say I feel great!

To go along with the "bet" I've been going back to the gym and tonight was the first time that I made it through an hour of full speed no holds barred Zumba and I felt 100% after it.

Not lightheaded, not sore, not tired nothing!  It feels so good to feel good!

A little annoyed but moving forward

Here's a little history lesson for you, I'm currently on CD 137 and when you break that down CD1 was on August 20 2012 which equals just about 5 months ago and that was started with a prescription of Provera 10 days prior to that.  And that script came from the same day I found out about the little critter.  It's been a crazy 5 months of tests, exams, MRIs, CT scans, surgery and recovery.

Yesterday I called my RE's office to get another prescription and the dingbat nurse I talked to wouldn't call one in for me and to say I was annoyed was an understatement.  She wanted me to come in so we could schedule blood work to make sure I wasn't pregnant (umm hello) and to make sure I haven't ovulated on my own (again hello).

I tried to explain to her that because of the tumor that was removed on my brain I wasn't ovulating and unable to on my own and probably haven't for years and years...still not grasping.  So finally I broke down and make an appointment to come in and discuss the Provera script and also I think it's time to have the Clomid talk as well.  I was going to wait until after my next appointment with my Neurosurgeon to see what was going on with the critter (or lack thereof) but this is just the push I need and maybe by the time the next appointment comes around there is a possibility that I'll be KTFU!!

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

Dear 2012.

I just wanted to bid you adieu. You made me laugh you made me cry, you tested my strength, my faith and my patience. You brought me new friends and closer to old friends. You made me realize what was important to me and who was important to me. I want 2013 to bring health and happiness to everyone and make all of our wishes come true.

Love

Me

The Bet!

D and I decided that we were going to start a small wager.  Since recovering from surgery I haven't really been dieting and paying attention to what we've been eating, and slowly a few pounds creeped back on.  After surgery and my hospital stay I lost a total of about 10lbs and sadly in the 7 weeks following that time I gained those 10 pounds back and I really don't want them.

So tonight on the way home from gorging ourselves on Christmas dinner #2 at the in-laws I thought there had to be a way to get this under control and my solution a bet, a big bet.  I proposed a small wager of the first person to lose 50lbs gets $50 from the person who didn't get there first.  And if that wasn't enough I added another level of the 1st person to 100lbs gets $100.  And finally the grand prize if we get our ultimate goal weight and lose 125lbs each he gets the experience of a lifetime which he has always wanted to do but we really didn't have the money to do it.  It's called "Hand on the Throttle" it's a chance to drive a locomotive engine with classes and about 45 minutes to drive.  And if I get to my ultimate goal weight I get a beautiful Michael Kors purse that I have been lusting over.

I don't know if this is going to work, but I do know that we are both very competitive people and we both refuse to lose so this might get ugly but I think in the long run the benefits will outweigh (forgive the pun) the fights and bickering over the next 6 months to a year and bring us what we need.  Health and well being.

Wish us luck because I know we're going to need it.

11 Days Post Op

Today is 11 days past brain surgery and I can honestly say today is the 1st day that I feel well.  I didn't wake up with a headache, I did however wake up with a backache.  In retrospect I'm doing well and much better than expected, I don't know if I could have said that a week ago.

Here is the journey from surgery to current day and how it went.

Surgery Day.

I got to the hospital around noon checked in got settled and prepped for surgery.  They put me in a funny little paper dress and hat and oh so stylish slipper socks.  After a delay they rolled me into surgery around 2pm.

The last thing I remember was getting into the OR and them unlocking the door, it was a strange OR with a big screen to see what they're doing and an airlock on the door.  I get in the room they note the time that it's 2:04pm the nurse says we're going to give you something to relax and that was the last thing I remember.  The next 8:00pm, 6 hours gone and didn't know what happened.

I woke up with a huge headache and backache from the drain they placed in my back.  I was groggy and drowsy but feeling ok.

I spent the next two days in the ICU being poked and prodded along the way checking anything and everything they could check.  But all my hormone levels were good and I was progressing better than they thought.

So they told me they would send me off to the regular floor and out of the ICU, I did so good I was able to walk out of the ICU to the regular floor without any help (I was a little proud of that myself)

This was followed by another 3 days of poking and prodding in the hospital and the doctor said I was able to go home and so off I went.

I still don't feel 100% but I'm getting better all the time, and I can do a little more everyday.  I'm guessing I might be back 100% in about a week or so, which to me is just amazing.

I'm so thankful and feel so blessed to be doing so well just two weeks after brain surgery considering how scared I was just before surgery.

So true

I really must remember this.

Finally a little good news

I was sitting in work and my cell phone rings with a strange number I don't recognize, but I reluctantly answer it.

My RE was calling me to check in and see how I was doing.  I told her when the surgery was and she told me I was in good hands with my neurosurgeon and not to worry and there are plenty of fertility treatment options for me after surgery.

I can't begin to tell you how much I love her.  This is a huge step considering the neuro told me there was a huge possibility I wouldn't be able to get pregnant after surgery and possibly turn menopausal. She really put my mind at ease today and helped with the anxiety about the surgery.  To say I'm over the moon happy right now is an understatement.

I know it's still going to be a long road ahead of us but this is a huge step forward.

It's scheduled.

I came home late from work and going to the gym, cooked dinner, ate and did the dishes.  I finally get around to opening up today's mail and there was a letter from my Neurosurgeon.  At 1st I thought it was just another bill, I swear I'm going to owe Yale my 1st born (oh wait never mind they might not get that) I read the letter and my surgery has been scheduled.

It's set to go on Oct 30 2012, I have to be to the hospital at 6:00 am and I'm really not looking forward to that.  Theyalso scheduled my pre-surgery testing including another MRI and CT Scan and a physical.

I also have to meet with my Neurosurgeon at after all the testing to explain surgery to me and make sure I understand it all.

This just got very real!

Surgery

If you read the my Real Diagnosis post you know that on my last RE appointment they told me the cause of my IF is not PCOS, but a large pituitary tumor on sitting on the base of my brain.  She referred me to a neurosurgeon to  see what kind of treatment I needed for it.

But after seeing the Neurosurgeon he sat down with me and went over everything and apparently the tumor is so large it needs to be removed. The doctor said he wants to do surgery as soon as possible, not tomorrow but in the next month or so. I still have to go to the eye doctor for field vision testing to see if the tumor has caused any damage to my vision now or if it will in the future.

Now the hardest thing for me to hear wasn't the fact that I had a brain tumor, wasn't the fact they're going to remove it, but the fact that there is a large possibility that once the tumor is removed there's no guarantee that I'll be able to have children.  The pituitary controls the the hormones that make my ovaries work, and it is possible that once everything is done it may never work and essentially I could go into early menopause.

The neuro is going to talk to the RE to see if it is a possibility of doing and ER and freezing some eggs prior to surgery. But since I'm OOP for meds and wasn't really expecting this I don't think I have the money for the meds to do this.

I'm still praying for a miracle and again this is yet another speed bump in the road to start our flock.