The roller coaster from hell continues. 2 lines on a test, cramps and bright red blood. I'm waiting on a call back from the nurse line.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Stark White!
Stark Fucking White!
I really thought we had it, I really thought this worked.
This had been a roller coaster of a 2WW crazy symptoms, bloat, cramps, nausea followed up with the worst dye run/evap on the face of the earth. That gave me a BFP on 8DPO to a few squinters that liked promising but I think it was just trigger leftovers. To this bad boy right here!
I'm broken in every sense of the word both physically and emotionally. I hate my body, I hate the little critter for not being able to do the one thing it should. Mostly I hate that I can't give my husband what he wants most in life.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Bye bye trigger
It's a sad day, the trigger had run its course and now is almost completely out of my system.
The IC is almost stark white and now all of my symptoms are gone.
The bloat that's been there for the last few days is gone as well as my nipples of fire. Please dear God let them come back in the next few days.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Testing
Why did I think testing out the trigger would be a good thing. It's almost as bad as chart stalking and over analyzing. 3PO
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Pull that trigger!
Well I'm not so sure about pulling but shooting for sure. I went in this morning for my ultrasound and blood work and guess what, we've got some biguns! The doctor saw 1 large follie on the right measuring 15x13 and 3 on the left 1 at 13x14 1 at 17x15 and HOLY HELL a 22x17!
It only took 17 days of stimming but the E2 levels are up which I will agree with the blood work because I've got some nipples of fire going on so this afternoon we triggered.
I will say the giant needle scared me but I'm a pro at mixing meds and drawing them in so that was easy enough to do and D was a trooper even though he didn't want to stab me he did right in the left cheek and honestly it I didn't even know he did it at first.
So now we wait, I bought a pack of 50 ICs and we're going to test out that trigger and I have to call into the office on July 4th with the results of a pregnancy test.
My mother's birthday would have been July 2nd so I'm praying that on her birthday I can tell her she's going to be a Grandma.
It only took 17 days of stimming but the E2 levels are up which I will agree with the blood work because I've got some nipples of fire going on so this afternoon we triggered.
I will say the giant needle scared me but I'm a pro at mixing meds and drawing them in so that was easy enough to do and D was a trooper even though he didn't want to stab me he did right in the left cheek and honestly it I didn't even know he did it at first.
So now we wait, I bought a pack of 50 ICs and we're going to test out that trigger and I have to call into the office on July 4th with the results of a pregnancy test.
My mother's birthday would have been July 2nd so I'm praying that on her birthday I can tell her she's going to be a Grandma.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Shooting up sucks
I have no issues with the Gonal F pens, they're easy, quick and super simple to use. The Menopur on the other hand is a giant pain in the ass...well stomach.
150iu of Menopur equals 4 vials, 2 needles, mixing and drawing and sticking twice. I miss the pens.
But on a positive note it finally seems to be working, I've got 3 follies over 10 1 was 15, one 13, one 12. Hopefully in the next few days well be able to trigger.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Frustration is my middle name.
CD11 and still no real movement. We've upped my meds to andstarted 150iu of Menopur twice a day.
I can't help but to be frustrated and upset, I know it's a challenge but still I don't know how much more I can take.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Getting frustrated
Today is CD 8 of this cycle and still no real news.
I did find out today that my E2 levels are still really low but the follies are on the cusp? Whatever that means...on the cusp of what growing, death, movement, revolt?
Still 10 follies all under 10mm but growing, I guess at this point a little growth is good. I hate the uncertainty that this brings, the ups and downs of this process.
All I want is a healthy baby in my arms which are now bruised from all the pokes and prodding...well we won't talk about prodding now will we.
The other thing we probably shouldn't talk about is all the bloat my stomach feels 10 times bigger than it actually is and D actually commented and wondered if my boobs were getting bigger.
BTW do you like my new BFF?
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Back at it again.
CD 5 and another blood draw and another U/S and not much progress. They found a total of 10 follies, 6 on the left and 4 on the right all really really small.
So today we upped the Gonal F to 150iu twice a day and hoped for some growth. My E2 levels are still really low but the lining is getting thick, so I think that's a plus right?
So today we upped the Gonal F to 150iu twice a day and hoped for some growth. My E2 levels are still really low but the lining is getting thick, so I think that's a plus right?
Friday, June 5, 2015
CD 3-ish
Another monitoring appointment today. I swear they need new nurses drawing blood.
I love the blood draw station at LW but the nurses in the office I swear can't find a vein to save their lives.
First encounter with my BFF the U/S machine, I hate the fact that my ovaries like to play hide and seek and I think they go digging in my throat to find them. They finally did see them and nothing, apparently I'm a slow responder. 
I love the blood draw station at LW but the nurses in the office I swear can't find a vein to save their lives.
First encounter with my BFF the U/S machine, I hate the fact that my ovaries like to play hide and seek and I think they go digging in my throat to find them. They finally did see them and nothing, apparently I'm a slow responder.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
I've been keeping a little secret.
We're actually cycling!
It's been 3 long years of testing, waiting, hoping, praying, crying.
Baseline blood draw and the numbers look good.
E2 levels are low so it's time to start 112.5iu of Gonal F twice a day.
It's been 3 long years of testing, waiting, hoping, praying, crying.
Baseline blood draw and the numbers look good.
E2 levels are low so it's time to start 112.5iu of Gonal F twice a day.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Fabulous
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
I joined the gym....again
Yes I broke down and did it. I joined a new gym and I'm actually really excited about it. I miss going but with my work schedule and everything go on in the last 6 months and the fact that we moved 40 minutes away I knew I wouldn't be able to make it.
So here's a new start and hopefully good things will come from it.
So here's a new start and hopefully good things will come from it.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Awesome Gym Circuit without the gym
I found this 13 minute workout and wanted to make sure I kept it close. It's actually really good and I can feel it after only a very short time. Perform all for 60 seconds each.
1. Still Arm Hold
Keep your hands at your sides, facing your body.
Raise both arms away from your sides like a bird in flight, keeping a slight bend in the elbows and arms no higher than your shoulders. Hold your arms strong (no sagging shoulders!). You should be able to draw a straight line from fingertip to fingertip.
Hold and maintain posture throughout.
2. Alternating Kicks
Stand in mountain pose with your feet hip-width apart, abs tight.
Kick your right leg out in front of your body and at the same time raise your left arm.
Alternate right leg, left arm-left leg, right arm, keeping legs below the hips as you kick and arms below shoulder height as you reach.
3. Butterfly
Stand feet hip-width apart.
Raise arms with your elbows out to the side and palms facing forward.
This should look like a goal post.
Make a fist and slowly bring your elbows in to touch with knuckles facing away from your face. You should be able to see your manicure.
4. Knee Lifts
Stand feet hip-width apart.
Lift your right knee as high as you can, but don't go past your waist. Hold for 5 seconds, then lower it. Alternate knees. Stay tall and keep your abs engaged and hips squared.
5. Arm Reach March
March in place.
While marching in place reach both arms up toward the ceiling as you draw in your abs.
Lower arms to shoulder height and reach out to the sides
Alternate reaching both arms up and out while marching
6. Biceps Curl
Stand feet hip-width apart knees slightly bent and weights in each hand. Hold your arms against your sides with your palms facing inward.
Hold your tummy in, and keeping your elbows close to your sides, curl your forearms toward your shoulders so that you can see your manicure. Pause for a second, and then gradually lower your weights back to their starting position.
7. Modified Jumping Jack.
Stand feet hip-width apart.
Step one foot out to the side and tap. At the same time, raise your arms above your head and clap. Return to the starting position and alternate side to side at a steady pace.
8. Sit and Lean
Sit on the edge of a chair, feet hip-width apart, with your abs engaged and your shoulders relaxed.
Raise your left arm above your head and slowly lean to the right until you feel mild tension on your side. Don't lift your butt from the chair or lean forward or backward. Hold for 30 seconds. Return to the upright position.
Switch to the other side. Hold for 30 seconds.
9. Sit and Stand
Sit in the middle of a sturdy chair without arms.
Keep your feet flat on the floor with hands on your thighs closer to your knees.
Lean forward, so that your nose is over your toes, then stand up.
Bend at your hips and slowly lower your weight down while reaching back with your butt and sit back down.
10. Jog Easy in Place
Stand tall and walk moderately in place.
Move to a quicker speed by lifting your feet only an inch or two off the floor for 20 seconds.
Swing your arms from your hips to your shoulders as you jog easy.
Alternate 10 seconds of brisk walking and 20 seconds of easy jogging for a total of 60 seconds.
Feel free to walk forward and back or around the couch or wherever your walk takes you. Then walk to thehall.
11. Wall Pushups
Stand facing a wall with your feet slightly apart and your knees slightly bent. Extend your arms in front of you to the wall with your elbows slightly bent. Keep your abs tight.
Lean forward slightly and place your palms against the wall. Bend your elbows until your nose nearly touches the wall. Push back out to the starting position. (If it is too hard to get your nose to the wall, go a quarter of the way.)
12. Leg Lifts Abduction
Stand feet hip-width apart. Touch only if you need to balance.
Raise your left leg out to the side in a smooth movement while balancing on your standing leg, and return. (No leaning to the side; keep abs tight.) Do 10 times on the same leg.
Switch legs and continue on the other side.
For 3 minutes, march slowly to lower your heart rate. (Change your tunes to a slower tempo.)
1. Still Arm Hold
Keep your hands at your sides, facing your body.
Raise both arms away from your sides like a bird in flight, keeping a slight bend in the elbows and arms no higher than your shoulders. Hold your arms strong (no sagging shoulders!). You should be able to draw a straight line from fingertip to fingertip.
Hold and maintain posture throughout.
2. Alternating Kicks
Stand in mountain pose with your feet hip-width apart, abs tight.
Kick your right leg out in front of your body and at the same time raise your left arm.
Alternate right leg, left arm-left leg, right arm, keeping legs below the hips as you kick and arms below shoulder height as you reach.
3. Butterfly
Stand feet hip-width apart.
Raise arms with your elbows out to the side and palms facing forward.
This should look like a goal post.
Make a fist and slowly bring your elbows in to touch with knuckles facing away from your face. You should be able to see your manicure.
Stand feet hip-width apart.
Lift your right knee as high as you can, but don't go past your waist. Hold for 5 seconds, then lower it. Alternate knees. Stay tall and keep your abs engaged and hips squared.
5. Arm Reach March
March in place.
While marching in place reach both arms up toward the ceiling as you draw in your abs.
Lower arms to shoulder height and reach out to the sides
Alternate reaching both arms up and out while marching
6. Biceps Curl
Stand feet hip-width apart knees slightly bent and weights in each hand. Hold your arms against your sides with your palms facing inward.
Hold your tummy in, and keeping your elbows close to your sides, curl your forearms toward your shoulders so that you can see your manicure. Pause for a second, and then gradually lower your weights back to their starting position.
7. Modified Jumping Jack.
Stand feet hip-width apart.
Step one foot out to the side and tap. At the same time, raise your arms above your head and clap. Return to the starting position and alternate side to side at a steady pace.
8. Sit and Lean
Sit on the edge of a chair, feet hip-width apart, with your abs engaged and your shoulders relaxed.
Raise your left arm above your head and slowly lean to the right until you feel mild tension on your side. Don't lift your butt from the chair or lean forward or backward. Hold for 30 seconds. Return to the upright position.
Switch to the other side. Hold for 30 seconds.
9. Sit and Stand
Sit in the middle of a sturdy chair without arms.
Keep your feet flat on the floor with hands on your thighs closer to your knees.
Lean forward, so that your nose is over your toes, then stand up.
Bend at your hips and slowly lower your weight down while reaching back with your butt and sit back down.
10. Jog Easy in Place
Stand tall and walk moderately in place.
Move to a quicker speed by lifting your feet only an inch or two off the floor for 20 seconds.
Swing your arms from your hips to your shoulders as you jog easy.
Alternate 10 seconds of brisk walking and 20 seconds of easy jogging for a total of 60 seconds.
Feel free to walk forward and back or around the couch or wherever your walk takes you. Then walk to thehall.
11. Wall Pushups
Stand facing a wall with your feet slightly apart and your knees slightly bent. Extend your arms in front of you to the wall with your elbows slightly bent. Keep your abs tight.
Lean forward slightly and place your palms against the wall. Bend your elbows until your nose nearly touches the wall. Push back out to the starting position. (If it is too hard to get your nose to the wall, go a quarter of the way.)
12. Leg Lifts Abduction
Stand feet hip-width apart. Touch only if you need to balance.
Raise your left leg out to the side in a smooth movement while balancing on your standing leg, and return. (No leaning to the side; keep abs tight.) Do 10 times on the same leg.
Switch legs and continue on the other side.
For 3 minutes, march slowly to lower your heart rate. (Change your tunes to a slower tempo.)
Thursday, April 24, 2014
National Infertility Awareness Week 2014 #naiw
It's the 25th Anniversary of National Infertility Awareness Week, so please make sure you spread the word you never know who will hear your story and how you can help someone who is afraid to speak up. Infertility shouldn't be a dirty little secret.
Here’s how you can help spread the word about Infertility Awareness:
Educate: Post a Facebook status or Tweet about Resolve about when to#NIAW
Support. Provide support to someone struggling, even if it's just a quick hug and let they know you are there if they need you.
Share. Start a blog, talk to people, to share your journey. Your experience may encourage someone to seek help sooner or ask a question they might not have asked otherwise.
Encourage. Last but not least, encourage a friend struggling with infertility to find a fertility doctor or get a second opinion
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Feeling stuck.
The last few weeks have been hard in more ways than one. The house is starting to take its toll on us, both physically and mentally we are drained.
I know there is an end in sight but it's not near or even close to being near. We still have so much to do, we've had a dumpster at the house for a month and have filled it twice. We never realized but they truly were hoarders, organized hoarders but still hoarders. The only good thing is everything had it's place and it was neatly tucked away either in the attic, basement or garage in nice little boxes.
We still have to find someone to get rid of all of the furniture and things that we should be able to sell and try to make some money. We had a tag sale and made a grand total of $120, and I think about $1000 worth of stuff walked away for that. But I guess it's still better than throwing it all in the dumpster and have to pay for getting rid of it.
One of the hardest things now is that D is back in school so we have to try to do all of this two days a week. I'm working 60 hours a week and he's in school full time so trying to get this done is even harder and really at this point I just want it done and over with.
Now as far as our baby plans they have been completely put on hold and the sad thing is we actually were able to get some money saved for D-IVF in europe but now our schedule won't allow it.
With D in school and no time off allowed until at least next March maybe longer that plan has basically been put on the back burner and as much as I want a child and we want a family I don't know if this will ever be back to the front.
I'm scared because if we do wait until he's done with school that means I won't give birth until I'm 42 years old and I don't know if I can do that, and if I want to wait another 2 years to have a child. This means by the time said child graduates high school I will be 60 years old.I know people do it but again it's scary. I saw what my mother went through and I swore I wouldn't do that to a child, she was older and unable to keep up at times and she really tried but it was hard for her so again this is always on my mind.
I know I will figure a way to work this all out but right now I'm just feeling like the weigh of the world is on my shoulders.
I know there is an end in sight but it's not near or even close to being near. We still have so much to do, we've had a dumpster at the house for a month and have filled it twice. We never realized but they truly were hoarders, organized hoarders but still hoarders. The only good thing is everything had it's place and it was neatly tucked away either in the attic, basement or garage in nice little boxes.
We still have to find someone to get rid of all of the furniture and things that we should be able to sell and try to make some money. We had a tag sale and made a grand total of $120, and I think about $1000 worth of stuff walked away for that. But I guess it's still better than throwing it all in the dumpster and have to pay for getting rid of it.
One of the hardest things now is that D is back in school so we have to try to do all of this two days a week. I'm working 60 hours a week and he's in school full time so trying to get this done is even harder and really at this point I just want it done and over with.
Now as far as our baby plans they have been completely put on hold and the sad thing is we actually were able to get some money saved for D-IVF in europe but now our schedule won't allow it.
With D in school and no time off allowed until at least next March maybe longer that plan has basically been put on the back burner and as much as I want a child and we want a family I don't know if this will ever be back to the front.
I'm scared because if we do wait until he's done with school that means I won't give birth until I'm 42 years old and I don't know if I can do that, and if I want to wait another 2 years to have a child. This means by the time said child graduates high school I will be 60 years old.I know people do it but again it's scary. I saw what my mother went through and I swore I wouldn't do that to a child, she was older and unable to keep up at times and she really tried but it was hard for her so again this is always on my mind.
I know I will figure a way to work this all out but right now I'm just feeling like the weigh of the world is on my shoulders.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
Something so simple...
As a pair of baby sneakers.
Something so ordinary, something that people would see on a daily basis and think nothing of. Not these baby sneakers, these are sneakers that are a constant reminder of pain and loss, a constant reminder of what was had and will never be. A reminder of a child that was held in your arms for so long and now is only a memory. A reminder of what you long for and what you can't have because of issues that you have.
One day we can only hope these sneakers will be worn by Jayne's little brother or sister and hope that she is watching down and smiling and watching over ever step that is made in them.
Something so ordinary, something that people would see on a daily basis and think nothing of. Not these baby sneakers, these are sneakers that are a constant reminder of pain and loss, a constant reminder of what was had and will never be. A reminder of a child that was held in your arms for so long and now is only a memory. A reminder of what you long for and what you can't have because of issues that you have.
One day we can only hope these sneakers will be worn by Jayne's little brother or sister and hope that she is watching down and smiling and watching over ever step that is made in them.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Honest I haven't been hiding.
It's been a while since I've posted but I have a good reason for it all. The past 6 weeks have been a whirlwind to say the very least.
It all started with the holidays coming up and just getting ready for Christmas, getting presents bought and things knit and then all hell broke loose.
A couple weeks before Christmas, D's Dad got sick and ended up in the hospital, after tons of tests and lots of discussions we found out the infection that he had in his heart came back. He talked it out with us and his doctors and they thought that quality of life was the most important thing. So on Christmas Eve the decision was made to stop treatment and send him to Hospice Care. Christmas Day was a sad and solemn and instead of celebrating we spent the day together as a family without one.
Two days later I took my Mother-in-Law to visit my Father-in-Law and to make sure the facility he was in was all set and they had all the necessary paperwork. We had a nice day, we went to get coffee and lunch and all was a-ok. Later that evening was the beginning of the end.
She called us to let us know she wasn't feeling well and she had some odd pains in her side so she was calling the ambulance and going to the hospital herself. We drove across state and met her at the hospital and couldn't figure out what was going on. They ran some tests and the doctors were all puzzled and couldn't find the source of her pain and the cause of it. But while she was in the hospital the doctors and nurses noticed that she started to slur her words so they ran a few more tests did a CT Scan and found that she had a small stroke and over the course of the next few days she had several more as well as a massive one that left her unable to speak and in a comatose state. From that point it was just a few days and she was gone.
During this time my Father-in-law is still in Hospice care unaware of his wife's condition we thought it best that he didn't know what was going on because we didn't want to put anymore unnecessary stress on him. Over the course of the next 12 days his condition worsened and finally he passed as well.
I think the saddest thing I've ever hear was from my husband when we received word that he Father had passed was he hung up the phone looked at me and said "What do I do know, I'm parentless"? My heart broke, I know the feeling of losing a parent and trust me it's hard, it hurts it positively sucks. But loosing both parents 12 days apart is absolutely unthinkable.
With all of this going on I haven't even had a moment to think about myself and our issues with the exception of one thing. During the middle of all this commotion I had my one year follow up with my Neurosurgeon and found some good news. The little "critter" is stable, it hasn't grown or moved or done anything and they are confident at this point we can hold off for at least a year before the next follow up. But what does this mean, it doesn't mean it won't ever grow or I won't need surgery but it does mean the next year of my life I won't have to worry about it. So this is the good news that I needed to get us through all the crap of the few weeks before.
I'm still hoping for good things in the future and I still waiting for our family but right now things are on hold while we deal with all of events that happened in the last few weeks.
It all started with the holidays coming up and just getting ready for Christmas, getting presents bought and things knit and then all hell broke loose.
A couple weeks before Christmas, D's Dad got sick and ended up in the hospital, after tons of tests and lots of discussions we found out the infection that he had in his heart came back. He talked it out with us and his doctors and they thought that quality of life was the most important thing. So on Christmas Eve the decision was made to stop treatment and send him to Hospice Care. Christmas Day was a sad and solemn and instead of celebrating we spent the day together as a family without one.
Two days later I took my Mother-in-Law to visit my Father-in-Law and to make sure the facility he was in was all set and they had all the necessary paperwork. We had a nice day, we went to get coffee and lunch and all was a-ok. Later that evening was the beginning of the end.
She called us to let us know she wasn't feeling well and she had some odd pains in her side so she was calling the ambulance and going to the hospital herself. We drove across state and met her at the hospital and couldn't figure out what was going on. They ran some tests and the doctors were all puzzled and couldn't find the source of her pain and the cause of it. But while she was in the hospital the doctors and nurses noticed that she started to slur her words so they ran a few more tests did a CT Scan and found that she had a small stroke and over the course of the next few days she had several more as well as a massive one that left her unable to speak and in a comatose state. From that point it was just a few days and she was gone.
During this time my Father-in-law is still in Hospice care unaware of his wife's condition we thought it best that he didn't know what was going on because we didn't want to put anymore unnecessary stress on him. Over the course of the next 12 days his condition worsened and finally he passed as well.
I think the saddest thing I've ever hear was from my husband when we received word that he Father had passed was he hung up the phone looked at me and said "What do I do know, I'm parentless"? My heart broke, I know the feeling of losing a parent and trust me it's hard, it hurts it positively sucks. But loosing both parents 12 days apart is absolutely unthinkable.
With all of this going on I haven't even had a moment to think about myself and our issues with the exception of one thing. During the middle of all this commotion I had my one year follow up with my Neurosurgeon and found some good news. The little "critter" is stable, it hasn't grown or moved or done anything and they are confident at this point we can hold off for at least a year before the next follow up. But what does this mean, it doesn't mean it won't ever grow or I won't need surgery but it does mean the next year of my life I won't have to worry about it. So this is the good news that I needed to get us through all the crap of the few weeks before.
I'm still hoping for good things in the future and I still waiting for our family but right now things are on hold while we deal with all of events that happened in the last few weeks.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Update from the Land of Endo
Today we had a snow day and D and I trudged our way to New Haven through the ice and the snow for my 6 month follow up with the Endo today and got good news and bad news. My Cortisol level was 20 Thyroid T3 level was 1.5 the TSH leve was 3 but the FSH and LH levels are nonexistent. So basically the only thing my pit tumor is screwing with is the ovarian function.
While I'm totally thankful for those important numbers being normal I'm basically broken over the fact that the FSH and LH levels suck hardcore especially since the only thing the little critter is screwing with is the thing I want to work the most.
While I'm totally thankful for those important numbers being normal I'm basically broken over the fact that the FSH and LH levels suck hardcore especially since the only thing the little critter is screwing with is the thing I want to work the most.
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