CD 5 and another blood draw and another U/S and not much progress. They found a total of 10 follies, 6 on the left and 4 on the right all really really small.
So today we upped the Gonal F to 150iu twice a day and hoped for some growth. My E2 levels are still really low but the lining is getting thick, so I think that's a plus right?
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Friday, June 5, 2015
CD 3-ish
Another monitoring appointment today. I swear they need new nurses drawing blood.
I love the blood draw station at LW but the nurses in the office I swear can't find a vein to save their lives.
First encounter with my BFF the U/S machine, I hate the fact that my ovaries like to play hide and seek and I think they go digging in my throat to find them. They finally did see them and nothing, apparently I'm a slow responder. 
I love the blood draw station at LW but the nurses in the office I swear can't find a vein to save their lives.
First encounter with my BFF the U/S machine, I hate the fact that my ovaries like to play hide and seek and I think they go digging in my throat to find them. They finally did see them and nothing, apparently I'm a slow responder.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
I've been keeping a little secret.
We're actually cycling!
It's been 3 long years of testing, waiting, hoping, praying, crying.
Baseline blood draw and the numbers look good.
E2 levels are low so it's time to start 112.5iu of Gonal F twice a day.
It's been 3 long years of testing, waiting, hoping, praying, crying.
Baseline blood draw and the numbers look good.
E2 levels are low so it's time to start 112.5iu of Gonal F twice a day.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Fabulous
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
I joined the gym....again
Yes I broke down and did it. I joined a new gym and I'm actually really excited about it. I miss going but with my work schedule and everything go on in the last 6 months and the fact that we moved 40 minutes away I knew I wouldn't be able to make it.
So here's a new start and hopefully good things will come from it.
So here's a new start and hopefully good things will come from it.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Awesome Gym Circuit without the gym
I found this 13 minute workout and wanted to make sure I kept it close. It's actually really good and I can feel it after only a very short time. Perform all for 60 seconds each.
1. Still Arm Hold
Keep your hands at your sides, facing your body.
Raise both arms away from your sides like a bird in flight, keeping a slight bend in the elbows and arms no higher than your shoulders. Hold your arms strong (no sagging shoulders!). You should be able to draw a straight line from fingertip to fingertip.
Hold and maintain posture throughout.
2. Alternating Kicks
Stand in mountain pose with your feet hip-width apart, abs tight.
Kick your right leg out in front of your body and at the same time raise your left arm.
Alternate right leg, left arm-left leg, right arm, keeping legs below the hips as you kick and arms below shoulder height as you reach.
3. Butterfly
Stand feet hip-width apart.
Raise arms with your elbows out to the side and palms facing forward.
This should look like a goal post.
Make a fist and slowly bring your elbows in to touch with knuckles facing away from your face. You should be able to see your manicure.
4. Knee Lifts
Stand feet hip-width apart.
Lift your right knee as high as you can, but don't go past your waist. Hold for 5 seconds, then lower it. Alternate knees. Stay tall and keep your abs engaged and hips squared.
5. Arm Reach March
March in place.
While marching in place reach both arms up toward the ceiling as you draw in your abs.
Lower arms to shoulder height and reach out to the sides
Alternate reaching both arms up and out while marching
6. Biceps Curl
Stand feet hip-width apart knees slightly bent and weights in each hand. Hold your arms against your sides with your palms facing inward.
Hold your tummy in, and keeping your elbows close to your sides, curl your forearms toward your shoulders so that you can see your manicure. Pause for a second, and then gradually lower your weights back to their starting position.
7. Modified Jumping Jack.
Stand feet hip-width apart.
Step one foot out to the side and tap. At the same time, raise your arms above your head and clap. Return to the starting position and alternate side to side at a steady pace.
8. Sit and Lean
Sit on the edge of a chair, feet hip-width apart, with your abs engaged and your shoulders relaxed.
Raise your left arm above your head and slowly lean to the right until you feel mild tension on your side. Don't lift your butt from the chair or lean forward or backward. Hold for 30 seconds. Return to the upright position.
Switch to the other side. Hold for 30 seconds.
9. Sit and Stand
Sit in the middle of a sturdy chair without arms.
Keep your feet flat on the floor with hands on your thighs closer to your knees.
Lean forward, so that your nose is over your toes, then stand up.
Bend at your hips and slowly lower your weight down while reaching back with your butt and sit back down.
10. Jog Easy in Place
Stand tall and walk moderately in place.
Move to a quicker speed by lifting your feet only an inch or two off the floor for 20 seconds.
Swing your arms from your hips to your shoulders as you jog easy.
Alternate 10 seconds of brisk walking and 20 seconds of easy jogging for a total of 60 seconds.
Feel free to walk forward and back or around the couch or wherever your walk takes you. Then walk to thehall.
11. Wall Pushups
Stand facing a wall with your feet slightly apart and your knees slightly bent. Extend your arms in front of you to the wall with your elbows slightly bent. Keep your abs tight.
Lean forward slightly and place your palms against the wall. Bend your elbows until your nose nearly touches the wall. Push back out to the starting position. (If it is too hard to get your nose to the wall, go a quarter of the way.)
12. Leg Lifts Abduction
Stand feet hip-width apart. Touch only if you need to balance.
Raise your left leg out to the side in a smooth movement while balancing on your standing leg, and return. (No leaning to the side; keep abs tight.) Do 10 times on the same leg.
Switch legs and continue on the other side.
For 3 minutes, march slowly to lower your heart rate. (Change your tunes to a slower tempo.)
1. Still Arm Hold
Keep your hands at your sides, facing your body.
Raise both arms away from your sides like a bird in flight, keeping a slight bend in the elbows and arms no higher than your shoulders. Hold your arms strong (no sagging shoulders!). You should be able to draw a straight line from fingertip to fingertip.
Hold and maintain posture throughout.
2. Alternating Kicks
Stand in mountain pose with your feet hip-width apart, abs tight.
Kick your right leg out in front of your body and at the same time raise your left arm.
Alternate right leg, left arm-left leg, right arm, keeping legs below the hips as you kick and arms below shoulder height as you reach.
3. Butterfly
Stand feet hip-width apart.
Raise arms with your elbows out to the side and palms facing forward.
This should look like a goal post.
Make a fist and slowly bring your elbows in to touch with knuckles facing away from your face. You should be able to see your manicure.
Stand feet hip-width apart.
Lift your right knee as high as you can, but don't go past your waist. Hold for 5 seconds, then lower it. Alternate knees. Stay tall and keep your abs engaged and hips squared.
5. Arm Reach March
March in place.
While marching in place reach both arms up toward the ceiling as you draw in your abs.
Lower arms to shoulder height and reach out to the sides
Alternate reaching both arms up and out while marching
6. Biceps Curl
Stand feet hip-width apart knees slightly bent and weights in each hand. Hold your arms against your sides with your palms facing inward.
Hold your tummy in, and keeping your elbows close to your sides, curl your forearms toward your shoulders so that you can see your manicure. Pause for a second, and then gradually lower your weights back to their starting position.
7. Modified Jumping Jack.
Stand feet hip-width apart.
Step one foot out to the side and tap. At the same time, raise your arms above your head and clap. Return to the starting position and alternate side to side at a steady pace.
8. Sit and Lean
Sit on the edge of a chair, feet hip-width apart, with your abs engaged and your shoulders relaxed.
Raise your left arm above your head and slowly lean to the right until you feel mild tension on your side. Don't lift your butt from the chair or lean forward or backward. Hold for 30 seconds. Return to the upright position.
Switch to the other side. Hold for 30 seconds.
9. Sit and Stand
Sit in the middle of a sturdy chair without arms.
Keep your feet flat on the floor with hands on your thighs closer to your knees.
Lean forward, so that your nose is over your toes, then stand up.
Bend at your hips and slowly lower your weight down while reaching back with your butt and sit back down.
10. Jog Easy in Place
Stand tall and walk moderately in place.
Move to a quicker speed by lifting your feet only an inch or two off the floor for 20 seconds.
Swing your arms from your hips to your shoulders as you jog easy.
Alternate 10 seconds of brisk walking and 20 seconds of easy jogging for a total of 60 seconds.
Feel free to walk forward and back or around the couch or wherever your walk takes you. Then walk to thehall.
11. Wall Pushups
Stand facing a wall with your feet slightly apart and your knees slightly bent. Extend your arms in front of you to the wall with your elbows slightly bent. Keep your abs tight.
Lean forward slightly and place your palms against the wall. Bend your elbows until your nose nearly touches the wall. Push back out to the starting position. (If it is too hard to get your nose to the wall, go a quarter of the way.)
12. Leg Lifts Abduction
Stand feet hip-width apart. Touch only if you need to balance.
Raise your left leg out to the side in a smooth movement while balancing on your standing leg, and return. (No leaning to the side; keep abs tight.) Do 10 times on the same leg.
Switch legs and continue on the other side.
For 3 minutes, march slowly to lower your heart rate. (Change your tunes to a slower tempo.)
Thursday, April 24, 2014
National Infertility Awareness Week 2014 #naiw
It's the 25th Anniversary of National Infertility Awareness Week, so please make sure you spread the word you never know who will hear your story and how you can help someone who is afraid to speak up. Infertility shouldn't be a dirty little secret.
Here’s how you can help spread the word about Infertility Awareness:
Educate: Post a Facebook status or Tweet about Resolve about when to#NIAW
Support. Provide support to someone struggling, even if it's just a quick hug and let they know you are there if they need you.
Share. Start a blog, talk to people, to share your journey. Your experience may encourage someone to seek help sooner or ask a question they might not have asked otherwise.
Encourage. Last but not least, encourage a friend struggling with infertility to find a fertility doctor or get a second opinion
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Feeling stuck.
The last few weeks have been hard in more ways than one. The house is starting to take its toll on us, both physically and mentally we are drained.
I know there is an end in sight but it's not near or even close to being near. We still have so much to do, we've had a dumpster at the house for a month and have filled it twice. We never realized but they truly were hoarders, organized hoarders but still hoarders. The only good thing is everything had it's place and it was neatly tucked away either in the attic, basement or garage in nice little boxes.
We still have to find someone to get rid of all of the furniture and things that we should be able to sell and try to make some money. We had a tag sale and made a grand total of $120, and I think about $1000 worth of stuff walked away for that. But I guess it's still better than throwing it all in the dumpster and have to pay for getting rid of it.
One of the hardest things now is that D is back in school so we have to try to do all of this two days a week. I'm working 60 hours a week and he's in school full time so trying to get this done is even harder and really at this point I just want it done and over with.
Now as far as our baby plans they have been completely put on hold and the sad thing is we actually were able to get some money saved for D-IVF in europe but now our schedule won't allow it.
With D in school and no time off allowed until at least next March maybe longer that plan has basically been put on the back burner and as much as I want a child and we want a family I don't know if this will ever be back to the front.
I'm scared because if we do wait until he's done with school that means I won't give birth until I'm 42 years old and I don't know if I can do that, and if I want to wait another 2 years to have a child. This means by the time said child graduates high school I will be 60 years old.I know people do it but again it's scary. I saw what my mother went through and I swore I wouldn't do that to a child, she was older and unable to keep up at times and she really tried but it was hard for her so again this is always on my mind.
I know I will figure a way to work this all out but right now I'm just feeling like the weigh of the world is on my shoulders.
I know there is an end in sight but it's not near or even close to being near. We still have so much to do, we've had a dumpster at the house for a month and have filled it twice. We never realized but they truly were hoarders, organized hoarders but still hoarders. The only good thing is everything had it's place and it was neatly tucked away either in the attic, basement or garage in nice little boxes.
We still have to find someone to get rid of all of the furniture and things that we should be able to sell and try to make some money. We had a tag sale and made a grand total of $120, and I think about $1000 worth of stuff walked away for that. But I guess it's still better than throwing it all in the dumpster and have to pay for getting rid of it.
One of the hardest things now is that D is back in school so we have to try to do all of this two days a week. I'm working 60 hours a week and he's in school full time so trying to get this done is even harder and really at this point I just want it done and over with.
Now as far as our baby plans they have been completely put on hold and the sad thing is we actually were able to get some money saved for D-IVF in europe but now our schedule won't allow it.
With D in school and no time off allowed until at least next March maybe longer that plan has basically been put on the back burner and as much as I want a child and we want a family I don't know if this will ever be back to the front.
I'm scared because if we do wait until he's done with school that means I won't give birth until I'm 42 years old and I don't know if I can do that, and if I want to wait another 2 years to have a child. This means by the time said child graduates high school I will be 60 years old.I know people do it but again it's scary. I saw what my mother went through and I swore I wouldn't do that to a child, she was older and unable to keep up at times and she really tried but it was hard for her so again this is always on my mind.
I know I will figure a way to work this all out but right now I'm just feeling like the weigh of the world is on my shoulders.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
Something so simple...
As a pair of baby sneakers.
Something so ordinary, something that people would see on a daily basis and think nothing of. Not these baby sneakers, these are sneakers that are a constant reminder of pain and loss, a constant reminder of what was had and will never be. A reminder of a child that was held in your arms for so long and now is only a memory. A reminder of what you long for and what you can't have because of issues that you have.
One day we can only hope these sneakers will be worn by Jayne's little brother or sister and hope that she is watching down and smiling and watching over ever step that is made in them.
Something so ordinary, something that people would see on a daily basis and think nothing of. Not these baby sneakers, these are sneakers that are a constant reminder of pain and loss, a constant reminder of what was had and will never be. A reminder of a child that was held in your arms for so long and now is only a memory. A reminder of what you long for and what you can't have because of issues that you have.
One day we can only hope these sneakers will be worn by Jayne's little brother or sister and hope that she is watching down and smiling and watching over ever step that is made in them.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Honest I haven't been hiding.
It's been a while since I've posted but I have a good reason for it all. The past 6 weeks have been a whirlwind to say the very least.
It all started with the holidays coming up and just getting ready for Christmas, getting presents bought and things knit and then all hell broke loose.
A couple weeks before Christmas, D's Dad got sick and ended up in the hospital, after tons of tests and lots of discussions we found out the infection that he had in his heart came back. He talked it out with us and his doctors and they thought that quality of life was the most important thing. So on Christmas Eve the decision was made to stop treatment and send him to Hospice Care. Christmas Day was a sad and solemn and instead of celebrating we spent the day together as a family without one.
Two days later I took my Mother-in-Law to visit my Father-in-Law and to make sure the facility he was in was all set and they had all the necessary paperwork. We had a nice day, we went to get coffee and lunch and all was a-ok. Later that evening was the beginning of the end.
She called us to let us know she wasn't feeling well and she had some odd pains in her side so she was calling the ambulance and going to the hospital herself. We drove across state and met her at the hospital and couldn't figure out what was going on. They ran some tests and the doctors were all puzzled and couldn't find the source of her pain and the cause of it. But while she was in the hospital the doctors and nurses noticed that she started to slur her words so they ran a few more tests did a CT Scan and found that she had a small stroke and over the course of the next few days she had several more as well as a massive one that left her unable to speak and in a comatose state. From that point it was just a few days and she was gone.
During this time my Father-in-law is still in Hospice care unaware of his wife's condition we thought it best that he didn't know what was going on because we didn't want to put anymore unnecessary stress on him. Over the course of the next 12 days his condition worsened and finally he passed as well.
I think the saddest thing I've ever hear was from my husband when we received word that he Father had passed was he hung up the phone looked at me and said "What do I do know, I'm parentless"? My heart broke, I know the feeling of losing a parent and trust me it's hard, it hurts it positively sucks. But loosing both parents 12 days apart is absolutely unthinkable.
With all of this going on I haven't even had a moment to think about myself and our issues with the exception of one thing. During the middle of all this commotion I had my one year follow up with my Neurosurgeon and found some good news. The little "critter" is stable, it hasn't grown or moved or done anything and they are confident at this point we can hold off for at least a year before the next follow up. But what does this mean, it doesn't mean it won't ever grow or I won't need surgery but it does mean the next year of my life I won't have to worry about it. So this is the good news that I needed to get us through all the crap of the few weeks before.
I'm still hoping for good things in the future and I still waiting for our family but right now things are on hold while we deal with all of events that happened in the last few weeks.
It all started with the holidays coming up and just getting ready for Christmas, getting presents bought and things knit and then all hell broke loose.
A couple weeks before Christmas, D's Dad got sick and ended up in the hospital, after tons of tests and lots of discussions we found out the infection that he had in his heart came back. He talked it out with us and his doctors and they thought that quality of life was the most important thing. So on Christmas Eve the decision was made to stop treatment and send him to Hospice Care. Christmas Day was a sad and solemn and instead of celebrating we spent the day together as a family without one.
Two days later I took my Mother-in-Law to visit my Father-in-Law and to make sure the facility he was in was all set and they had all the necessary paperwork. We had a nice day, we went to get coffee and lunch and all was a-ok. Later that evening was the beginning of the end.
She called us to let us know she wasn't feeling well and she had some odd pains in her side so she was calling the ambulance and going to the hospital herself. We drove across state and met her at the hospital and couldn't figure out what was going on. They ran some tests and the doctors were all puzzled and couldn't find the source of her pain and the cause of it. But while she was in the hospital the doctors and nurses noticed that she started to slur her words so they ran a few more tests did a CT Scan and found that she had a small stroke and over the course of the next few days she had several more as well as a massive one that left her unable to speak and in a comatose state. From that point it was just a few days and she was gone.
During this time my Father-in-law is still in Hospice care unaware of his wife's condition we thought it best that he didn't know what was going on because we didn't want to put anymore unnecessary stress on him. Over the course of the next 12 days his condition worsened and finally he passed as well.
I think the saddest thing I've ever hear was from my husband when we received word that he Father had passed was he hung up the phone looked at me and said "What do I do know, I'm parentless"? My heart broke, I know the feeling of losing a parent and trust me it's hard, it hurts it positively sucks. But loosing both parents 12 days apart is absolutely unthinkable.
With all of this going on I haven't even had a moment to think about myself and our issues with the exception of one thing. During the middle of all this commotion I had my one year follow up with my Neurosurgeon and found some good news. The little "critter" is stable, it hasn't grown or moved or done anything and they are confident at this point we can hold off for at least a year before the next follow up. But what does this mean, it doesn't mean it won't ever grow or I won't need surgery but it does mean the next year of my life I won't have to worry about it. So this is the good news that I needed to get us through all the crap of the few weeks before.
I'm still hoping for good things in the future and I still waiting for our family but right now things are on hold while we deal with all of events that happened in the last few weeks.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Update from the Land of Endo
Today we had a snow day and D and I trudged our way to New Haven through the ice and the snow for my 6 month follow up with the Endo today and got good news and bad news. My Cortisol level was 20 Thyroid T3 level was 1.5 the TSH leve was 3 but the FSH and LH levels are nonexistent. So basically the only thing my pit tumor is screwing with is the ovarian function.
While I'm totally thankful for those important numbers being normal I'm basically broken over the fact that the FSH and LH levels suck hardcore especially since the only thing the little critter is screwing with is the thing I want to work the most.
While I'm totally thankful for those important numbers being normal I'm basically broken over the fact that the FSH and LH levels suck hardcore especially since the only thing the little critter is screwing with is the thing I want to work the most.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
The Difference Between Strength and Courage
The Difference Between Strength and Courage
I found this poem online and sometimes I really need to remind myself that I have the strength and courage to get through this instead of just the tears that flow, I need to be able to stand up and say I'm going to make it through this and come out on the other side a Mom.
It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.
It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.
It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt.
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pains,
It takes courage to show them.
It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another.
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.
-Author Unknown
I found this poem online and sometimes I really need to remind myself that I have the strength and courage to get through this instead of just the tears that flow, I need to be able to stand up and say I'm going to make it through this and come out on the other side a Mom.
It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.
It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.
It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt.
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pains,
It takes courage to show them.
It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another.
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.
-Author Unknown
Sunday, November 3, 2013
This gives me hope
Even though I struggled with the thought that when we use donor eggs that the child will not be biologically mine, the baby will grow with me for 9 months and I will give birth to him or her. But after reading this article, I know I will be the biological mother and it doesn't matter that they won't have my eyes or my ears, they will be part of me.
“Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them.
So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body.
That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.”
“Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them.
So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body.
That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.”
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Finally some news.
D and I were talking about the future and how we're going to grow our family (which isn't an odd conversation it's the top of most of our conversations) I'm still not really excited about not being able to give birth to a child or at least have the chance to try.
It actually is one of the hardest things for us because we never really had a chance to "try" and before we move on to adoption we want that chance.
But between finances and outstanding medical bills trying to find a way to find another $15/20k for IVF is out of the question and if we need to use donor eggs we're talking $20/30k.
A while back I was searching trying to figure out a way to try it and thanks to google I was searching and found IVF traditional and with donor eggs done in the Czech Republic pretty inexpensively.
We talked it out and we're going to try give this a try with donor eggs, since we're literally putting all of our eggs in one basket we want to give us the best chance of actually conceiving. It's still going to be a lot of money to save so we talked about some kind fundraiser and maybe a few tag sales to declutter and raise some cash. I've also opened a store for knitting to try to raise some cash.
Shophandmade - Ewenique Knit Designs.
The thing that really brought this on is we talked to the State and the local DCF office is backed up and one of the social workers called to tell me that. She asked me a few questions and we talked for about 20 minutes. It was actually pretty informative but we're still kind of stuck with the fact that we didn't get that chance and while we're still working on the process we want to find a way to give birth to a child.
I know I may sound a little crazy, but IF does that, especially when you can't have the only thing in the world that you want.
It actually is one of the hardest things for us because we never really had a chance to "try" and before we move on to adoption we want that chance.
But between finances and outstanding medical bills trying to find a way to find another $15/20k for IVF is out of the question and if we need to use donor eggs we're talking $20/30k.
A while back I was searching trying to figure out a way to try it and thanks to google I was searching and found IVF traditional and with donor eggs done in the Czech Republic pretty inexpensively.
We talked it out and we're going to try give this a try with donor eggs, since we're literally putting all of our eggs in one basket we want to give us the best chance of actually conceiving. It's still going to be a lot of money to save so we talked about some kind fundraiser and maybe a few tag sales to declutter and raise some cash. I've also opened a store for knitting to try to raise some cash.
Shophandmade - Ewenique Knit Designs.
The thing that really brought this on is we talked to the State and the local DCF office is backed up and one of the social workers called to tell me that. She asked me a few questions and we talked for about 20 minutes. It was actually pretty informative but we're still kind of stuck with the fact that we didn't get that chance and while we're still working on the process we want to find a way to give birth to a child.
I know I may sound a little crazy, but IF does that, especially when you can't have the only thing in the world that you want.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
#ThrowBackThursday #TBT
Today was a perfect day for #TBT since this Thrusday means so much to me.
So we flashback to five years ago, it was a wonderful day we went to the beach we went out to our favorite seafood shack on the beach and my dearest darling husband asked me that special question that changed our lives forever. Well he handed me a box and said wanna?? I guess that is the same thing right?
It doesn't really matter how it happened, but it did happen. We were full of so much hope for the future, we had so many dreams and talked about them over the next few days. What we wanted in the future how many kids, where we wanted to live, what we wanted to do. We decided we wanted a small family since we're both only children and we actually liked being only children we wanted that for our family.
Little did we know what we would encounter over the next five years, there are times I like to think back to the days when we were naive and didn't know any better, we figured we would have that honeymoon baby and that would be it. Now we are still wanting and waiting, but we've talked so many times about other family building options, so we are moving in the right direction at the moment. It's not the original path that we thought of way back when, but it is a start to our family of three.
So we flashback to five years ago, it was a wonderful day we went to the beach we went out to our favorite seafood shack on the beach and my dearest darling husband asked me that special question that changed our lives forever. Well he handed me a box and said wanna?? I guess that is the same thing right?
It doesn't really matter how it happened, but it did happen. We were full of so much hope for the future, we had so many dreams and talked about them over the next few days. What we wanted in the future how many kids, where we wanted to live, what we wanted to do. We decided we wanted a small family since we're both only children and we actually liked being only children we wanted that for our family.
Little did we know what we would encounter over the next five years, there are times I like to think back to the days when we were naive and didn't know any better, we figured we would have that honeymoon baby and that would be it. Now we are still wanting and waiting, but we've talked so many times about other family building options, so we are moving in the right direction at the moment. It's not the original path that we thought of way back when, but it is a start to our family of three.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Rough days
You never know what will set them off. You never know when they will strike but when they do watch out. Today's rough day was brought on by a pregnancy announcement and some solitary confinement so I'm alone with my own thoughts (never a good thing). This is D's first week working 3rd shift so he went to bed at 2pm so I'm by myself again alone with my thoughts.
So today I'm thinking about why and how our family hasn't grown, and what can be done about that. Since we know I can't have children the old fashion way and we have no insurance to pay for IVF that means adoption is our only option.
I've talked about adoption before and we do know this is the only option we have at growing our family, but lately I've been struggling with the decision. Since we don't have the money to adopt through a private agency we thought the Foster/Adopt process through the State would be the way to go. It is little to no cost out of pocket, we just have to pay for a few things.
But with this process the things that are the hardest for me are all the things you go through, the background checks, the social worker visits, the psychological evaluations, letters of reference and not to mention the millions of forms to be filled out and notarized in triplicate. Why do we have to go through all of this just go have a child? There are so many parents that are horrible people, abusive, drug addicts, all in all just bad people. Why don't they have to jump through hoops to have children? Why do they get to have a family? Why do we have to go through the struggle? Why don't we get to have a family the traditional way?
And the hardest thing for me right at the moment with the whole adoption process though the state is the children come from DCF from homes that the children have been taken from because either the parents are not fit to be parents or they've given up these children because they don't want them.
So why do we get a child that isn't wanted, a child that is basically being thrown away? Don't we deserve something other than a child that has been discarded? A child that is damaged and just neglected? I know these children need love too, but why can't we have what we wanted and not what someone else does not?
This is my biggest struggle and I know I have to find away to get over this because once we have a child we will love it unconditionally. Just right at the moment I'm having a hard time with this one.
I JUST WANT A FAMILY!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
So today I'm thinking about why and how our family hasn't grown, and what can be done about that. Since we know I can't have children the old fashion way and we have no insurance to pay for IVF that means adoption is our only option.
I've talked about adoption before and we do know this is the only option we have at growing our family, but lately I've been struggling with the decision. Since we don't have the money to adopt through a private agency we thought the Foster/Adopt process through the State would be the way to go. It is little to no cost out of pocket, we just have to pay for a few things.
But with this process the things that are the hardest for me are all the things you go through, the background checks, the social worker visits, the psychological evaluations, letters of reference and not to mention the millions of forms to be filled out and notarized in triplicate. Why do we have to go through all of this just go have a child? There are so many parents that are horrible people, abusive, drug addicts, all in all just bad people. Why don't they have to jump through hoops to have children? Why do they get to have a family? Why do we have to go through the struggle? Why don't we get to have a family the traditional way?
And the hardest thing for me right at the moment with the whole adoption process though the state is the children come from DCF from homes that the children have been taken from because either the parents are not fit to be parents or they've given up these children because they don't want them.
So why do we get a child that isn't wanted, a child that is basically being thrown away? Don't we deserve something other than a child that has been discarded? A child that is damaged and just neglected? I know these children need love too, but why can't we have what we wanted and not what someone else does not?
This is my biggest struggle and I know I have to find away to get over this because once we have a child we will love it unconditionally. Just right at the moment I'm having a hard time with this one.
I JUST WANT A FAMILY!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Bitter, Bitchy and Broken
I'm bitter and bitchy because all around me are women who are pregnant and getting pregnant everyday. They're able to achieve the one thing that I cannot seem to do because I am broken in more ways than one.
The thing that is the hardest for me is knowing once we start the adoption process there are so many things we have to do before we can even think about bringing home a child.
Maybe one day it won't.
The thing that is the hardest for me is knowing once we start the adoption process there are so many things we have to do before we can even think about bringing home a child.
- We start background checks to make sure we are good people.
- We go through a 10 week training program to teach us to be good parents
- We have to have a psychological profile done to make sure we're sane and in have a good relationship.
All things these things need to be done before we can even be considered for child. So how is possible people who are in horrible marriages and think a child will "fix" it are able to have children? People who are terrible parents and mistreat and neglect their children are able to have children? And finally people are so insecure about their own self and their own well being are able to have children?
This is what makes this whole process so difficult for me, we are a happily married loving couple who would do anything to become a family, so why, why do we have to go through this? Oh yeah because I'm broken, because the little critter in my head does on allow my ovaries to work, because we don't have the money to pay for IVF and we have no infertility coverage.
These are the reasons we are a family of two and trying to become a family of three. These are the reasons that I cannot give my husband he longs for. These are the reasons that keep me awake a night, and in tears more times that I would like to admit. I know I won't always feel this way, but right now it's what controls my thoughts and is the constant in my life.
Maybe one day it won't.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Holiday woes
The holidays are always hard when you're dealing with IF, but I never thought the 4th of July would be one of those holidays. The 4th of July is the day to celebrate the birth of America and our own Independence.
But it's also a day that people spend with families and babies and having fun at cookouts and parties. We had our own little cookout a cookout for two, which really isn't the same. We went grocery shopping today, we had a nice day but there is still something that is missing, the other part of our family is missing. Hearing stories of family get together's and seeing pictures are harder than they should be.
When are we going to have our family picnic? When is our family party?
But it's also a day that people spend with families and babies and having fun at cookouts and parties. We had our own little cookout a cookout for two, which really isn't the same. We went grocery shopping today, we had a nice day but there is still something that is missing, the other part of our family is missing. Hearing stories of family get together's and seeing pictures are harder than they should be.
When are we going to have our family picnic? When is our family party?
Monday, June 3, 2013
Infertile Girl Problems
Why are some days are than others?
Why do certain comments hurt more than others?
Why is it on some days complaints about pregnancy and kids and parenting hurt more than others?
Why? Because IF SUCKS!
It sucks the life out of you. When you think you can beat it or you think you can over come it some comes up and knocks you right back down. I can't say this is ever going to change, I can't say I will ever overcome this obstacle. I can't ever say I will become a mother or I will life my life child free. I think this is the hardest thing about IF, the uncertainty that it brings to life. All I know is I'm going to try my hardest to deal with what is in front of me and face head on.
Why do certain comments hurt more than others?
Why is it on some days complaints about pregnancy and kids and parenting hurt more than others?
Why? Because IF SUCKS!
It sucks the life out of you. When you think you can beat it or you think you can over come it some comes up and knocks you right back down. I can't say this is ever going to change, I can't say I will ever overcome this obstacle. I can't ever say I will become a mother or I will life my life child free. I think this is the hardest thing about IF, the uncertainty that it brings to life. All I know is I'm going to try my hardest to deal with what is in front of me and face head on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
