Emotions

I found a positive pregnancy test that must have dropped behind my desk, and to see those 2 lines was really hard.  I thought I had tossed them all but when you're saving 30 pee sticks it gets hard to keep track of them.

I should be 6W+4 today but instead I'm trying to figure out how to pay for another cycle.  Anyone have $10k they're not using?

It's over

From being hopeful to hopeless in one feel swoop.

A few short days ago I was filled with hope there was a child growing inside of me it had happened,  I was finally going to get what I always wanted,  I was going to be a Mom.  I was going to give my husband what he wanted,  the chance to be a father again,  but now those dreams are gone.

I finally saw that elusive second line but now  that line has faded right along with my dreams of motherhood. Also faded are all of my symptoms, the bloat,  the naseuea and the boobs that were so sore I couldn't stand it but right now I would give anything to have those unpleasantries back. 

FML

The roller coaster from hell continues.  2 lines on a test,  cramps and bright red blood.  I'm waiting on a call back from the nurse line.

Stark White!

Stark Fucking White!

I really thought we had it,  I really thought this worked.

This had been a roller coaster of a 2WW crazy symptoms,  bloat, cramps, nausea followed up with the worst dye run/evap on the face of the earth.   That gave me a BFP on 8DPO to a few squinters that liked promising but I think it was just trigger leftovers.   To this bad boy right here!

I'm broken in every sense of the word both physically and emotionally.  I hate my body, I hate the little critter for not being able to do the one thing it should.  Mostly I hate that I can't give my husband what he wants most in life.

Bye bye trigger

It's a sad day, the trigger had run its course and now is almost completely out of my system.

The IC is almost stark white and now all of my symptoms are gone.

The bloat that's been there for the last few days is gone as well as my nipples of fire.  Please dear God let them come back in the next few days.

Testing

Why did I think testing out the trigger would be a good thing.   It's almost as bad as chart stalking and over analyzing. 3PO

Pull that trigger!

Well I'm not so sure about pulling but shooting for sure.  I went in this morning for my ultrasound and blood work and guess what, we've got some biguns!  The doctor saw 1 large follie on the right measuring 15x13 and 3 on the left 1 at 13x14 1 at 17x15 and HOLY HELL a 22x17!

It only took 17 days of stimming but the E2 levels are up which I will agree with the blood work because I've got some nipples of fire going on so this afternoon we triggered.

I will say the giant needle scared me but I'm a pro at mixing meds and drawing them in so that was easy enough to do and D was a trooper even though he didn't want to stab me he did right in the left cheek and honestly it I didn't even know he did it at first.

So now we wait, I bought a pack of 50 ICs and we're going to test out that trigger and I have to call into the office on July 4th with the results of a pregnancy test.

My mother's birthday would have been July 2nd so I'm praying that on her birthday I can tell her she's going to be a Grandma.

Shooting up sucks

I have no issues with the Gonal F pens, they're easy, quick and super simple to use.   The Menopur on the other hand is a giant pain in the ass...well stomach.  

150iu of Menopur equals 4 vials, 2 needles, mixing and drawing and sticking twice.  I miss the pens.

But on a positive note it finally seems to be working,  I've got 3 follies over 10 1 was 15, one 13, one 12.  Hopefully in the next few days well be able to trigger.

Frustration is my middle name.

CD11 and still no real movement.   We've upped my meds to andstarted 150iu of Menopur twice a day. 

I can't help but to be frustrated and upset,  I know it's a challenge but still I don't know how much more I can take. 

Getting frustrated

Today is CD 8 of this cycle and still no real news.

I did find out today that my E2 levels are still really low but the follies are on the cusp?  Whatever that means...on the cusp of what growing, death, movement, revolt?

Still 10 follies all under 10mm but growing, I guess at this point a little growth is good.  I hate the uncertainty that this brings, the ups and downs of this process.

All I want is a healthy baby in my arms which are now bruised from all the pokes and prodding...well we won't talk about prodding now will we.

The other thing we probably shouldn't talk about is all the bloat my stomach feels 10 times bigger than it actually is and D actually commented and wondered if my boobs were getting bigger.

BTW do you like my new BFF? 

Back at it again.

CD 5 and another blood draw and another U/S and not much progress.  They found a total of 10 follies, 6 on the left and 4 on the right all really really small.

So today we upped the Gonal F to 150iu twice a day and hoped for some growth.  My E2 levels are still really low but the lining is getting thick, so I think that's a plus right?

CD 3-ish

Another monitoring appointment today.  I swear they need new nurses drawing blood.

I love the blood draw station at LW but the nurses in the office I swear can't find a vein to save their lives.

First encounter with my BFF the U/S machine, I hate the fact that my ovaries like to play hide and seek and I think they go digging in my throat to find them.  They finally did see them and nothing, apparently I'm a slow responder.

I've been keeping a little secret.

We're actually cycling!

It's been 3 long years of testing, waiting, hoping, praying, crying.

Baseline blood draw and the numbers look good.

E2 levels are low so it's time to start 112.5iu of Gonal F twice a day.

Fabulous

Sometimes you say and sometimes you actually mean it.  So when someone asks you are you're doing tell them!

I joined the gym....again

Yes I broke down and did it.  I joined a new gym and I'm actually really excited about it.  I miss going but with my work schedule and everything go on in the last 6 months and the fact that we moved 40 minutes away I knew I wouldn't be able to make it.

So here's a new start and hopefully good things will come from it.

Awesome Gym Circuit without the gym

I found this 13 minute workout and wanted to make sure I kept it close. It's actually really good and I can feel it after only a very short time.   Perform all for 60 seconds each.

1. Still Arm Hold

Keep your hands at your sides, facing your body.
Raise both arms away from your sides like a bird in flight, keeping a slight bend in the elbows and arms no higher than your shoulders. Hold your arms strong (no sagging shoulders!). You should be able to draw a straight line from fingertip to fingertip.
Hold and maintain posture throughout.

2. Alternating Kicks
Stand in mountain pose with your feet hip-width apart, abs tight.
Kick your right leg out in front of your body and at the same time raise your left arm.
Alternate right leg, left arm-left leg, right arm, keeping legs below the hips as you kick and arms below shoulder height as you reach.

3. Butterfly
Stand  feet hip-width apart.
Raise arms with your elbows out to the side and palms facing forward.
This should look like a goal post.
Make a fist and slowly bring your elbows in to touch with knuckles facing away from your face. You should be able to see your manicure.

4. Knee Lifts

Stand  feet hip-width apart.
Lift your right knee as high as you can, but don't go past your waist. Hold for 5 seconds, then lower it. Alternate knees. Stay tall and keep your abs engaged and hips squared.

5. Arm Reach March
March in place.
While marching in place reach both arms up toward the ceiling as you draw in your abs.
Lower arms to shoulder height and reach out to the sides
 Alternate reaching both arms up and out while marching

6. Biceps Curl
Stand  feet hip-width apart knees slightly bent and weights in each hand. Hold your arms against your sides with your palms facing inward.
Hold your tummy in, and keeping your elbows close to your sides, curl your forearms toward your shoulders so that you can see your manicure. Pause for a second, and then gradually lower your weights back to their starting position.

7. Modified Jumping Jack.
Stand  feet hip-width apart.

Step one foot out to the side and tap. At the same time, raise your arms above your head and clap. Return to the starting position and alternate side to side at a steady pace.

8. Sit and Lean
Sit on the edge of a chair, feet hip-width apart, with your abs engaged and your shoulders relaxed.

Raise your left arm above your head and slowly lean to the right until you feel mild tension on your side. Don't lift your butt from the chair or lean forward or backward. Hold for 30 seconds. Return to the upright position.
Switch to the other side. Hold for 30 seconds.

9. Sit and Stand
Sit in the middle of a sturdy chair without arms.

Keep your feet flat on the floor with hands on your thighs closer to your knees.

 Lean forward, so that your nose is over your toes, then stand up.

Bend at your hips and slowly lower your weight down while reaching back with your butt and sit back down.

10. Jog Easy in Place
Stand tall and walk moderately in place.

Move to a quicker speed by lifting your feet only an inch or two off the floor for 20 seconds.

Swing your arms from your hips to your shoulders as you jog easy.

Alternate 10 seconds of brisk walking and 20 seconds of easy jogging for a total of 60 seconds.

Feel free to walk forward and back or around the couch or wherever your walk takes you. Then walk to thehall.

11. Wall Pushups


Stand facing a wall with your feet slightly apart and your knees slightly bent. Extend your arms in front of you to the wall with your elbows slightly bent. Keep your abs tight.

Lean forward slightly and place your palms against the wall. Bend your elbows until your nose nearly touches the wall. Push back out to the starting position. (If it is too hard to get your nose to the wall, go a quarter of the way.)

12. Leg Lifts Abduction

Stand  feet hip-width apart. Touch only if you need to balance.
Raise your left leg out to the side in a smooth movement while balancing on your standing leg, and return. (No leaning to the side; keep abs tight.) Do 10 times on the same leg.
Switch legs and continue on the other side.

For 3 minutes, march slowly to lower your heart rate. (Change your tunes to a slower tempo.)

National Infertility Awareness Week 2014 #naiw

It's the 25th Anniversary of National Infertility Awareness Week, so please make sure you spread the word you never know who will hear your story and how you can help someone who is afraid to speak up.  Infertility shouldn't be a dirty little secret.

Here’s how you can help spread the word about Infertility Awareness:

Educate:  Post a Facebook status or Tweet about Resolve about when to#NIAW

Support. Provide support to someone struggling, even if it's just a quick hug and let they know you are there if they need you.

25 things to say and not to say

Share. Start a blog, talk to people,  to share your journey. Your experience may encourage someone to seek help sooner or ask a question they might not have asked otherwise.

25-ways to raise awareness

Encourage. Last but not least, encourage a friend struggling with infertility to find a fertility doctor or get a second opinion

Feeling stuck.

The last few weeks have been hard in more ways than one.  The house is starting to take its toll on us, both physically and mentally we are drained.

I know there is an end in sight but it's not near or even close to being near.  We still have so much to do, we've had a dumpster at the house for a month and have filled it twice.  We never realized but they truly were hoarders, organized hoarders but still hoarders.  The only good thing is everything had it's place and it was neatly tucked away either in the attic, basement or garage in nice little boxes.

We still have to find someone to get rid of all of the furniture and things that we should be able to sell and try to make some money.  We had a tag sale and made a grand total of $120, and I think about $1000 worth of stuff walked away for that.  But I guess it's still better than throwing it all in the dumpster and have to pay for getting rid of it.

One of the hardest things now is that D is back in school so we have to try to do all of this two days a week.  I'm working 60 hours a week and he's in school full time so trying to get this done is even harder and really at this point I just want it done and over with.

Now as far as our baby plans they have been completely put on hold and the sad thing is we actually were able to get some money saved for D-IVF in europe but now our schedule won't allow it.

With D in school and no time off allowed until at least next March maybe longer that plan has basically been put on the back burner and as much as I want a child and we want a family I don't know if this will ever be back to the front.

I'm scared because if we do wait until he's done with school that means I won't give birth until I'm 42 years old and I don't know if I can do that, and if I want to wait another 2 years to have a child.  This means by the time said child graduates high school I will be 60 years old.I know people do it but again it's scary.  I saw what my mother went through and I swore I wouldn't do that to a child, she was older and unable to keep up at times and she really tried but it was hard for her so again this is always on my mind.

I know I will figure a way to work this all out but right now I'm just feeling like the weigh of the world is on my shoulders.

Just breath

Something so simple...

As a pair of baby sneakers.

Something so ordinary, something that people would see on a daily basis and think nothing of.  Not these baby sneakers, these are sneakers that are a constant reminder of pain and loss, a constant reminder of what was had and will never be.  A reminder of a child that was held in your arms for so long and now is only a memory.  A reminder of what you long for and what you can't have because of issues that you have.

One day we can only hope these sneakers will be worn by Jayne's little brother or sister and hope that she is watching down and smiling and watching over ever step that is made in them.